|Posted by jennysita on September 18, 2009 at 2:10 AM|
DAMN TUMOR IS BACK!! I swear this is like a sequel to a bad bad movie. The Doctors said if he doesn't get surgery he has 2 years left, and if he does get surgery, there's a chance he might be left brain dead or invalid...and some other crap that i just cant even think about because THIS SUCKS!! What's weird is that Jeff feels fine, no headaches, he gets his words almost perfect every time now, sometimes i forget he even had a surgery in the first place. So its really gonna kill me if they F***em up after the 2nd surgery. My mom couldn't take it, she was crying all night just imagining the worse.
He's doing so well :(. I guess this time we're prepared for the hospital torture, im gonna get some of that noni juice ready, and movies since he stays hospitalized for like 3 months. Kelly is so close to Jeff, even more than before. He stays home with her all day now since he can't work. He's been with his daughter 24/7 and she's so close to her daddy...AAHH this sucks ASS! he's gonna be at the hospital again!!...grrr i cant believe this SHIT!!! AAAAHHHHH!! Fu*** SH**^&*$!$£$& AAAHHH!!!
Thursday August 31st:
I thought my bro didn't really know what was going on. He's so positive about it, which is great! But the neighboor saw him today and said "hey Jeff, how you feeling" and Jeff said "im feeling good man, but i need another surgery cuz the tumor is there again" and the neighboor was all "what? ah that sucks, but you'll be alright" and Jeff said "yeah but im afraid I wont wake up you know?" and that freaked me out cuz i didn't know he was scared. I didn't even think Jeff thought about what would happen if he didn't wake up. I don't want him to be scared. I don't want to be scared. He can have normal conversations now, he barely messes up. If the doctors leave him worse im gonna be so pissed!!!
Saturday September 2nd:
Tomorrow we're having a family reunion, Jeff has always wanted to see everyone together, im thinking this is an ice braker so after Jeff recovers we'll have many more reunions and it wont be awkward anymore.. All thanks to my bro. He's at the movies with my dad now, everything seems so normal i hope it stays the same way or gets better... I cant imagine him worse.
Sunday Sept 3rd 2006: Family Day:
We decided to throw a party and invite everyone, of course only the ones that care came. Jeff was so happy here are a few pics. It was at this park where they had a reggae concert afterwards, and after that we brought the party to my house lol, long day
A couple family pics:
Jeff and his best friends since Ecuador (Liz and Tati):
And a family pic:
With my dad at the front.
My sister, me and my bro
There was a concert at the park where we did the picnic, jeff loved it.
That's all the pics I got, I was mostly filming the whole time. Everyone wished Jeff good luck and I think he has it, with all that love who needs luck!. My mom and I decided we wont let him have surgery till we get scans again at some other place...so we'll see what happens. I just know the 5th there's no surgery, im kidnapping my brother! Thanks to everyone that showed up, I love you guys
After the park we went to my house and he sang with a spoon lol
Thursday September 14th:
A whole new problem appeared wednesday, Jeff started puking all day, and said he could not hold this sharp pain he had on his back, he started crying from the pain, it was unbereable, and my mom took him to the ER. He had a KIDNEY STONE!. What sucks is the doctors just gave him painkillers and said it will "eventually" come out and sent him home, well its Thursday today, well its 1am so its already friday, and 2 minutes ago he got up to keep puking, its been 2 days, the pain hasn't gone away, jeff is weak and yellow, he's so sick, he hasn't eaten anything! he keeps throwing up even though he has nothing to puke anymore, this is hell! if tomorrow he doesn't pee the lil shit out im taking him to the ER again, and if the doctors give me the same BS im gonna stab them in the eye with they're pocket pen. Goodnight.
He finished this painting. he loves creepy stuff, he says thats what it feels inside his head.
Sunday dec 10th 2006:
So its almost xmas, tomorrow we have an appointment with supposedly the best doctor in the world about tumor medicine. the Dr's said they definetly will NOt have a second surgery cuz he would be in a comma for sure. So tomorrow we take some scans to that new Dr and he will study the case. i guess i wont have news until next year.
Tuesday Dec 14th:
My bro started chemo last night, so far no side effects. Those capsules are so strong theres millions of warnings saying "if u accidentaly take 2 call ur doctor immediately" or "if u forget to take a dose call ur doctor immediately" or "if u accidentaly brake a capsule and sniff the contents or touch ur eyes with it or smell it..call ur doctor immediately" so im like "hell! these capsules are like antrax", i guess they're mini nuclear bombs exploding inside his head, and it nucks everything even good cells. hopefully he's not left retarded after this. its a 5 day treatment, then they scan him again to see what it did.. we'll see.
Sunday dec 17th:
Last day of chemo, all good, no symptoms, either he has no tumor or the pills are bullshit OR they're extremely well.. heres a pic of jeff's side effects lol. we went to a party and he was playing the Wii. a boxing game, it was awesome. ill keep updating later. this was like the chemo test. later they give him more.
Monday jan 8th 2007:
Today he gets new scans done to see if the quimo worked.. we're crossing our fingers.
He got the scans, tumor is bigger. looks like an egg but with tentacles this time, like its growing and grabbing on to whatever is next to it. he starts chemo tomorrow or the day after, stronger pills. We're crossing our fingers it works
Weds Jan 31st:
Went to the ER today cuz Jeff puked all day Sunday and then once tuesday and then again today but with a strong headache today that he called Liz (gf) crying..he never cries. They did some MRI scans again and the tumor is bigger. 10% bigger than it was a MONTH! ago. It's been growing milimmeters all this time and all of a sudden, 10% in just a month exactly when he started chemo.. Now im thinking chemo did it, could it be? shit! maybe its a bussiness and doctors get something out of it, or maybe Tumors just decide to one day have a growth spurt, i knew if he had no side effects that it wasn't a good sign, it meant it didn't work. Probly killed just good cells and no bad ones.
And another surprise. with the scan they did a month ago, actually its less, it was jan 8th. anyways...with that scan they saw this small white dot on the scan. (tumors are shown white) and with the scan today, that white dot was bigger so they said he might have another tumor. What does might mean? its not might! its a fucken abnomal growth of cells again!!. this is a nightmare. they see him next week to figure out a new plan.
Sunday Feb 4th:
My bro has been hallucinating. He saw butterflies in front of him the other day and then bushes coming towards him and then a boat parked next to my car when i was in an empty parking lot. all from his right side. Tomorrow he has an apptmt, we'll see what the doctors say.
Thursday March 8th 2007:
Jeff gets new MRI's the 21st.. but i already know the results.. the chemo didn't work, i know this because his speech is worse.. he pees like 5 times at night (which is caused by the tumor pressing on some part that makes us pee..the dr said).. , his right side moves much slower and he shakes all the time even when its hot, he's skinnier, has the dark undereye circles really bad :(, and he looks depressed.. he's never depressed.. he's always laughing and happy but this week he just sleeps and gets frustrated that he can no longer drive or work. he's unhappy right now.
Yesterday my mom was crying while she was cooking, I saw her, she said "I cant believe I can lose my son... I pray to god he takes me instead" and she cried even more.. I just told her no matter what happens its destiny and she has to be strong..I cant lie like before and say "dont worry mom he'll be fine" cuz I'm not sure myself. Maybe Jeff was supposed to leave us a year ago in that hospital and this whole time we've just been messing with God's will.. thats how i try to think so that i dont die of pain cuz i really can't find an explanation for this. I really really wish that tumor..actually... tumor'S now would go away. :(.
My dad came to visit today.. went to the bathroom and started crying like a baby.. i dont know what to do.. nothing has changed, no scans no symptoms but out of nowhere both my parents are freaking out.. so im scared cuz parents have the 6th sense.. that bad feeling intuition. I don't know whats up with them this week.
Weds march 21st:
So, had the MRI scans today.. and of course.. bad news the tumor is bigger, there are 2, and one has spread over the cervical whatever! its going down his neck. the doctors said he has a chance of staying invalid after some time.. as we all know, the back or spine is what makes us walk. Mom's crying, Jeff's crying, his gf is crying...they're gonna try another new chemo.. i dont know what to expect. Kelly told my mom "daddy is gonna go soon" of course we dont like that because kelly is kinda psychic sometimes. She's sad. keeps saying she's saving up money to buy him a new doctor...so far she has $4 bucks she said. Im gonna find out everything i can about cancer and buy more natural meds... Jeff is doing bad.. he couldn't answer one single question today, he was lost. didnt know his birthdate, didnt know what day it was, he just doesnt know anything anymore :(. Its his bday tomorrow and i will make sure that he remembers it. night everyone.
JEFFS 31st BIRTHDAY
Monday April 16 2007:
Jeff started a new chemo, its intravenous so no pills this time, he just has to sit for an hour with an IV in his veins. I think this one will work since it hurt him and the other ones didnt have any side effects. He's not ok, hes weaker, needs help getting up, walking, going up and down stairs, he's blinder and he lost so much weight. He's 109 lbs. has these rashes inside his mouth on his cheeks cuz he takes 2 to 3 hours to eat a sandwich or any meal. We're just making him soups and soft foods cuz he can't chew that well. I dont know what to expect. he's pale, thin, weak and slow, its like im watching him die slowly, little by little he looks more skeletical than ever and it sucks! i feel like im losing him and i cant stop it. I took him to get accupuncture done and bought a bunch of vitamins and natural herb pills. I think its gonna help him. im gonna go make some soup now. later.
May 13th 2007:
yay!! good news!! jeffs tumor shurnk! the new chemo is working, is this intravenous type and apparently both the tumors shrunk alot! i hope he starts eating faster and being more alert cuz i tell ya... he's super slow and weak.. oh i hope he recovers! my mom called me crying cuz its a miracle! it really is!
June 17th 2007:
Jeff is so weak, he trembles to stand up and walk, he hits walls cuz he's blinder and he really has no strenght in his right side, he drops everything. The chemo is really messing up his skin, his cheeks are puffy but his body skinnier, he was 109 lbs. about 3 weeks ago, im sure hes 100 now. he used to be 135 to 140 before. I duno whats happening.. the other day i found him in the kitchen with his pants down about to pee in the trash can and i said: "Jeff! what are u doing?" and he realized he was doing something wrong and went to the bathroom. He can't communicate, no words come out with sense. This is such a rollercoaster. He doesn't really smile at all for a few weeks now, he doesnt laugh, not even with super funny stuff..he doesn't get it so he cant laugh. I found my mom crying in the kitchen while cooking and she said she found jeff in the bathtub trying to shower, but never figured out how the hot water works so he was purple from cold.. and sitting in the tub not being able to get out, shivering like a leaf. She carried him out, she said his legs are pure bones, no meat, it shocked her so much. (we've never seen him naked ya know?) he wore shorts yesterday and i closed my door and went to the room to breathe cuz his legs are half of mine. he eats but doesnt gain weight. I dont know what to do..his legs can't hold his weight, thats why he falls when walking and can't stand up unless we help.
Today i said Happy Fathers day to him and he was all "whos a dad? im not" I really hope he doesn't forget his daughter. Kelly came to visit and hugged him so hard, she misses her daddy.
Thursday June 28th 2007:
Bad news.. Jeff had a scan done today, the tumor grew. And its way more aggressive.. The chemo they were giving him was working (remember when I said the tumor shrunk?) well its like a live animal, it knew it was dying so it decided to get pissed, grow all over the place stronger and faster..Jeff is already weak, he fell at the hospital so they're giving him a wheelchair.
He pees on the couch, on the bed..etc..reality just hit me that he really is disabled. My mom feeds him, bathes him, takes him to the bathroom..its like having a baby all over again. He eats so slow hes 100lbs and he is simply depressed now. The doctors said he needs very strong chemo now...but he's so weak and half way on the other side that im gonna look into this alternative treatment called Ozone theraphy. A friend told me about it just yesterday (coincidence?) and i read about it, it sounds like a lot of people have gotten better. Cross your fingers everyone, we are out of alternatives
Monday July 2nd
I just read Jeff's report.. the dr wrote "the patients condition is irreversible/incurable so i guess no more chemo. Here's a pic of my mom feeding him. his cheeks are puffy from the pills. but if u see his legs..he's all bones he doesn't talk, walk or smile anymore.. all that since last saturday that i took him to the beach.. how is this tumor growing so much from day to day? every weekend its such a difference..whats next saturday gonna be like?
Here's him shaking while drinking juice and my mom ready to catch it.
My mom helps him get dressed and change
Here's a pic from July 4th. Jeff on his wheelchair.
Tuesday July 10 2007:
This is one of the worse updates I will ever write. Maybe one of the last entries on this long blog. I went with my mom to see Jeff's results yesterday. We we're expecting bad news?.but not as bad as he gave them to us.
Not only has the tumor grown? what was once an egg, was later an egg with arms and legs..then it got thin like a branch with more arms and legs. The scan yesterday looked like a tree?I asked the doctor "where is the tumor" and he said "its all the white stuff" the white stuff? You freaking kidding me!! The white stuff was everywhere. It did shrink about a month ago if you've been reading the blog?the tumor was a lil dot. But I guess that little dot spilled like coffee on a table. It looked like a hand with a million fingers grabbing onto his brain. Like a dry tree filled with branches and each branch has another one and each lil one had some more.
The chemo was so aggressive that the tumor decided to spread all over to survive. It's a war in there and the tumor has won. The doctor said his kind of tumor not only grows outside but inside, and around nerves, he said "this is something we have NEVER seen before" and my uncle who is a neurologist told my dad that kind of tumor was one in a million. A new chemo for that kind of tumor would be so strong, it would kill him sooner.
So what now? We asked?well he said, there aren't any more options so now prepare for the worse. He has less than 3 months!!.
At that point my mom started crying, I was just silent in awe trying not to cry so I can talk to the doctor? and Jeff with his stumbling sentences said "I wanna try that other thing" the doctor said "we do have another chemo, but its pills" and Jeff cant swallow pills anymore, he chews the tiny ones. So Jeff said "yes I can" and the doctor said "if I was you I would also like to fight to the end?.try it all?but this chemo we gave you was the best and strongest. If you want to try the pills you can, but there is no guarantee, it will just give you a few more days or weeks" then Jeff looked at the ground and said a whispering "shit".
So we just left the hospital, my mom and I think we wont do that other chemo, why? Dr said it wont work, and I rather see my brother happy his last days than sick and feeling like shit just to live an extra week. I cannot tell you the feeling I had when I saw my mom cooking and she said "Im gonna make him all his favorite foods?and Im gonna take him to see all?" and then she started crying. Jeff was all "what's wrong" and I told him it was nothing, the onions she was cutting. His memory is so bad that I think he forgot what the doctor told him as soon as we arrived home, which is good, I don't want him depressed. He never wanted to give up. He kept asking my dad to teach him to drive again, he told me to clean his tattoo gun cuz he has a lot of unfinished tatts. He wasn't ready for this.
The tumor is eating his nerves.. so the worse is coming. He already pees on himself so they gave us diapers. Slowly he will stop eating and the Dr said we can give him an artificial machine. Then he will stop breathing so they'll have the oxygen machine ready.. Hes going to stop hearing, seeing and feeling and then he's a vegetable. How long after that? I don't know. Whenever his heart decides to stop.
I haven't lost my brother yet and I know im just a dreamer but I don't see him going. I just can't picture it. I see him at my graduation, at my wedding and when I make my first toy. I see him having another birthday, another Christmas and Halloween, I see him at kelly's sweet 16.
I went to my bf's house last night, I stayed in the car for about 20 mins crying before going up because I didn't want him to see. But then as soon as he opened the door and hugged me, I couldn't hold it, I can't imagine how much it will hurt my family and me to lose him..We can't. We just can't.
Im gonna buy all the natural remedies I can, even if it doesn't work or make him sick for a lil bit.. we got nothing to lose so I'm gonna try it all!. He's alive and I think while alive there's hope. The dr isn't god and its not up to him to tell my bro how long he has or doesn't have. That's all for now.
Thursday July 12, 2007:
I woke up sick today, couldn't go to work so I stayed home and made sure my brother is taking all these natural meds I got. It's hard, he wont drink anything if he doesnt like the taste so I force him.
Friday July 13th 2007:
Yesterday was a shoking day, I guess one of many to come. We had lots of visitors.. from the disability, from hospitals, from the social security, etc. They brought this orthopedic bed for jeff, along with some machines, oxigen, lots of morphine.
They made my mom cry, the things they asked "has he left a will?" how does he want to be buried? do you have any arrangements yet?. They told her they're there to help make his "transition" smooth. How is that helping? how can they go and talk about death like that in front of him. They said soon he wont eat, move, see, talk, that his arms and then his whole body is gonna hurt real bad, that he will have the most painfull headache ever and we can't call 911, that he might have seizures, etc...my mom was just crying a river and so they left the morphine there for him.
My room looks like a hospital. Im not giving up, I'm buying more natural meds. Jeffrey cried weds. I dont know if it was cuz he couldn't go see transformers and he really wants to (im taking him tonight!) or cuz it was what I call "the trigger" when you are so sad inside and then anything, any small thing just sets off the trigger. He cried as if he knew it could be the last movie he ever sees, he knew he wont be my concert/movie buddy soon, he knew we're all suffering. Or did he not now and just really wanted to go out? i dont know, he's mind is a bit lost. I was laying on his bed last night, and then i thought it could be my brothers death bed...it is. I can't think about it, its not gonna be, im buying more natural shit today. He threw up all last night, has the real hell started?
Kelly threw a tantrum sunday night, she didn't want to leave, she started crying and yelling "i wanna be with my DADDY!!! I want to STAY" please mommy just 5 more minutes" and wouldn't stop hugging him, she feeds him and tries to help him get up. That lil 4 year old is suffering so much, it's heartbreaking.
Update as of today..same day 6pm
Jeff hasnt awoken all morning, he was puking all night, my mom went to check on him to find him almost choking and cant even move. From now on we all sleep in the same room. He's been asleep all day, but hes not really sleeping cuz he touches his head and makes faces of pain. The nurse came to give him morphine, and he stopped moving. What if this is it? he wont wake up again. I got this tea that supposedly cures cancer today in the mail.. How can the timing be off by just a few hours? how am i supposed to give it to him. I have to wake him up i have to.Nurse said after a patient stops eating they have less than 2 weeks :'(
Satruday July 14th 2007:
Scariest thing happened, Jeff had a seizure ive never seen one. My mom either and she thought that was "it". Jeff suddenly started yelling AAAAHHH still unconcious. He couldn't breathe, he turned purple, his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he was stretched out and stiff like rigo mortis while shaking, my mom started screaming and crying and i told her "its ok its just a seizure, it'll last 2 minutes or less" and she got so nervous and dropped the pills and the morphine and put the oxigen machine on him but it wasn't plugged... A whole 5 minutes that i don't want to experience ever again He's still unconcious today, i slept on a chair next to him.. didnt really sleep. woke up at 3, 4, 5, and every 10 mins in between, he had pain all night. i gave him morphine and i was just talking to him. Well its almost 11 am and im gonna get some sleep.
Sunday July 15th 2007:
Im just gonna write one thing because it broke my heart when i heard it. My cousins came to visit him yesterday. Jeff woke up for a brief moment, one of them asked him what concerts he wanted to go to and what he wants to listen to (while i was putting pantera on and he kinda smiled) and she was all "c'mon Jeff what's your favorite band" and he said "why...im not..im not... gonna last" and she couldnt hold it but answered back that he is gonna last a long time and he shrugged his shoulders. He knows. I told him the medicines i got are working and that its all a state of mind and the minute he gives up he's giving up life. I told him "today you are a lot better than yesterday" and he looked at me like "well i dont feel any better". He had a fever all day and nausea... at least no seizures today thank god (well its 10am so not yet i mean). But since friday that he's been sleeping all day he's barely eaten anything or drank anything. Nurse said he's got a few days, not months... i think its bullshit. My Jus has been helping so much, i dont know what id do without him. thank you babe <3
I saw my brother depressed :(. that's a first.
Tuesday July 17th 2007:
I don't know what's going on but Jeff was so sick Friday and Saturday. I mean unconscious for 2 days along with a seizure that scared the life out of my mom..Saturday afternoon he woke up. He'd open his eyes a few times, especially cuz my cousins came to visit. Sunday he was a little more awake. But yesterday?he was SO awake it's like a miracle happening in front of us?or does the tumor come and go and we better get ready for him getting worse again? I don't know what to think. I just know he was awake yesterday, he was talking to us and making sense! And he moves more. If he starts getting better then I would really believe in Miracles.
But I feel its like a game sometimes, the whole year its been like this "tumor got bigger" then "tumor shrunk", then "tumor is big again" so I just don't know. I just know that he's been off regular medicine for a week and its all been natural stuff I've been giving him the few minutes he stayed awake?but since he's awake more, I give him more. So maybe?just maybe this time he's getting better and will stay better? I don't know. My parents already got their hopes up again so I really don't want to see them with a broken heart?AGAIN.
It was my boyfriend's birthday last night, we had a mini party with my family. I wish the circumstances would've been different but at least we were all happy that Jeff was with us at the time, all awake and eating soup, and my Jus got to eat cake
Let me talk about a little service the govt is giving us called HOSPICE. First off?I hate it. I love the way the country is helping my brother and we are lucky to have been born here and live here. They provide everything he needs to be comfortable; bed, chairs, poopers, pampers, oxygen, and lots of morphine. BUT they don't want to cure him, obviously it's a service provided to the terminally ill. They are here to supposedly give us "comfort" and "support" while my brother as they call it "transitions".
Now why do I hate them you wonder?.Well, my brother didn't eat the 2 days he was unconscious. They said they'll give us whatever we need. So I called and asked for an IV, I mean? they do that in hospitals when patients don't eat don't they? And they said "we can't do that". Then Jeff wakes up, he says "Im hungry" so my mom and I bought tons of soup and baby food, the Hospice people say "don't feed him, his body might reject it" I say "ok I wont" while Im thinking "you are full of shit". It's like they want him to die.
Every time the hospice people visit, I find my mom talking to them on the couch, with a tissue. They make her cry every time, so I wondered why, I tell my mom "go to the room, ill talk to the ladies" so they start talking to me.. "awe you must be Jenny" I say "yes" they say "so are you ok? How are taking this?" I say "Im fine" they say "must be hard, to lose an older brother" i say "i haven't lost him yet" she says "Have your parents made any arrangements?" I say "no" she goes "here's a list of mortuaries" I say "ok thanks" ...so every time they come give us "comfort"..they talk to my mom about "arrangements" and burial prize combo deals, like im gonna be all "hey mom look at combo 2, its casket PLUS burial PLUS funeral...no wait package 3 is better, cremation PLUS transport of the ashes" no wait....we get discount if we buy it for 3 or more family members...hell why don't we just ALL die to get a deal!...I mean WTF!! can't we just deal with it when the time comes? Or when we think its coming?
She asks "how's Kelly doing, we can send someone to talk to her and explain her the situation" I say "she knows her daddy is sick, and that's all she needs to know... I don't want some stranger to sit her down and tell her "hey ...ur dad is gonna die" we can handle it". I was mad then.
I go to the room and tell Jeff that he's getting better? he actually says "I feel better" I know I shouldn't get my hopes up I know?but im not gonna keep depressed just because im supposed to. Then the lovely hospice service says they're sending a priest.
Now you guys tell me?if you're sick and instead of seeing a doctor in your room you see a priest...won't that scare you a little?
They tell us don't feed him, make arrangements, depress his daughter and bring a priest.. I mean?a little more and they bring a coffin and tell Jeff to jump inside.
These people have to come here till Jeff leaves. So if he gets better, they are stuck with us for a while. But I can't believe how they are trying to hurry the process?one nurse (btw its always a different one) wanted to give him these pills to knock him out and I said "no! he wants to eat, I don't want him sleeping all day" she said "they are for pain and him shaking" and I said "he has no pain right now, and he can eat while shaking a little" she was all "oook? That's your decision" then Jeff was all "im hungry" lol. What the hell is their problem!.
Weds July 18th 2007:
I have a request to make to everyone. I was reading about my brother's kind of tumor. It has a 2 percent survival rate and people that get it last a max of 2 years. So far all the statistics are right, Jeff's had it a year and a half. I dont think a miracle is going to happen. I know some days he's better than others but the overall picture he is getting worse. From last week to this one its bad, he was able to at least use the wheelchair, now we can't move him off his bed because his body hurts.
I read online about this lady who got an agressive tumor also, she was a doctor so she knew what was coming, her name was elizabeth targ, i got this from the article:
"One night, 10 days after the surgery, Targ came down to the living room, where Comings was working. She sat in his lap and cried as she told him her fear: "Knowing where this tumor is located, there's a good chance I will end up with thalamic pain syndrome. It's the worst thing one can possibly get."
So i researched Thalamic pain syndrome.. all the symptoms my brother has had so far are leading to it. Im not a doctor so its not for sure... but it's possible he might get it, its the worst kind of pain and the worst death a person can have. Everything will hurt, with or without touching him, heat, cold, even music.
So this is my request. Please pray for him. Pray that if (and that's IF cuz we're gonna fight like ecuadorian indians dammit!) he doesnt get better, he at least has a peaceful death, I can't imagine the pain we'd have if we see him suffer any more. That lady Elizabeth, was actually studying the power of prayer...coincidentally she got one of the worst tumors out there (just like Jeff's) and maybe it was destiny to prove her research worked that she died peacefully while sleeping, well she grasped for air which is the nice way to go. All these people prayed for her and it worked. I think the doctor exagerated with the 3 months. I read his tumor doubles itself in size every 10 days. Im giving him the natural stuff and its helping, maybe not killing cancer but its made him a bit energetic and feel better. Like he's hungry and has no pain or anything. But i think time is gonna make things a bit harder soon. I really hope im wrong and a miracle happens.
Some good news... he saw transformers yesterday, my bf had a copy and Jeff was all "oh yeah!" and saying "wooow" throughout the movie. Also i got a promotion at work. Jeff smiled even though i think he had no idea what i was telling him, Im not gonna go to school while i have this job, maybe i wont ever have to go back. I'll be earning the same as if i would've already graduated. Im really exited about it. I sure needed some good news about anything, it was sent from heaven :). It's not toy design but its computer stuff which I like too. Im still gonna save up for when I get laid off (you never know) and go back to finish the 3 yrs i got left... anyways ...my mom just called to tell me Jeff ate a lot this morning. Thats good!
Here's a few pics of Jeff that some of you have never seen.
This is my mom cleaning his Picc line, the tubes in his veins where they put the chemo shit through.
Sunday July 22nd 2007:
Kelly telling Jeff to wake up, he sleeps alot lately.
July 24th 2007:
For those who'd like to know the facts about Jeff's tumor. He had a grade 3 or 4 anaplastic astrocytoma.
. Grows faster and more aggressively than grade II astrocytomas
. Tumor cells are not uniform in appearance
. Invades neighboring tissue
. Common among men and women in their 30s-50s
. More common in men than women
. Accounts for four percent of all brain tumors.
The peak incidence is in the fifth and sixth decades of life. Seizures and focal neurologic deficits are common presenting symptoms. Prognosis is poor with an average 2-year survival.
Astrocytoma is an infiltrating, primary brain tumor, with tentacles that may invade surrounding tissue. This provides a butterfly-like distribution pattern through the white matter of the cerebral hemispheres. The tumor may invade a membrane covering the brain (the dura), or spread via the spinal fluid through the ventricles of the brain.
These cells can undergo change within them, and mutate or "dedifferentiate" into a higher grade (grade III or IV) of astrocytoma, both of which are regarded as "incurable". grade III astrocytomas are also known as anaplastic astrocytomas (AA).
Jeff got his tumor jan 2006 so as they misdiagnosed his tumor about 3 times, I think they did it again, You see that table above, jeff's tumor is the third one. I think he has a grade 4 though?which is a Gioblastoma (GBM), he wont last 2-3 years and the doctor said it is very aggressive. Its been 18 months and by the way he is now, I say about a few weeks left. It doesn't really matter now if it's a grade 3 or 4?either one isn't curable?so tumors are all bullshit and I hate them.
Here's a pic of the tumor. i can't tell where it is. i dont know, it'd be nice if a doctor saw this and explained, I know its white, I think the whitish area that looks like fog. This is in March.
This is in July
I cut Jeff's fingernails..his hands were so pale, they were yellowish, and cold and limb, no movement, I didnt like that feeling, they felt dead. Like paper, no sweat, well his hands were never the sweaty kind but you know what i mean. He's still alive but he has no life, and it felt that way. C'mon Miracle..happen already
Friday July 27th 2007:
My friend Heath came to sing to Jeff 2 days ago. He really liked it, he was smiling and trying to clap and he said "del putas" which means "fucking awesome" but today, its a different story.. Jeff lost his sight he was so scared and was mumbling "fuck fuck fuck" and moving his hand in front of his face. His eyes keep moving from the center to the left non stop, at first he said he saw it all moving and blurry and it was cuz his eyes were going nuts, but now he doesnt see at all. He's so scared. I grabbed his hand and he jumped and pushed me away on reflex, i told him its ok, its me and he's home, and he grabbed my hand, put it on his chest and smiled and then giggled, as if he was silly to push me away.
Heath sings for Jeff
I gave him morphine and he was kind of knocked out, he'd come and go. The kind of pain he has is that kind that he makes faces, holds his breath and then breathes finally when the pain is gone and he says "ayayay chucha" which in spanish is fucking ouch, its the kind of pain you don't scream but its so strong you get mute and stop breathing and get a stiff body. After the morphine kicked in Kelly walked in and I wanted to hear what she said so i recorded her.. she kept whispering "wake up daddy"
kelly trying to wake up jeff
Kelly praying for her daddy
Sunday July 29th 2007:
Jeff's eyes kinda came back, I think he sees super blurry. I asked him if anything hurt and he said no, and i said "you just feel like shit huh" and he says "yes! chucha!" again chucha means the f word in spanish. I wanted to take a minute to say thanks to my bf for being here with me and helping me, Hes my shoulder to cry on..literally. Taking care of my brother like he was his own family, usually guys I date run away in times like these. Babe.. thank you. My family and I love you.
Thanks to everyone that comes to visit Jeff and cares for him.. he really notices it and appreaciates it, and so do we.
Friday August 3rd:
Jeff doesnt want to open his eyes anymore, they come and go, he opens them sometimes but one eye points up and the other down, i think it hurts, i think the tumor is causing it to deform like that, so he keeps them closed, he can't see. i made him laugh cuz i told him he can see like a cameleon now, 2 different spots at a time. He doesnt want to sit up so we cant feed him, i give him water with a lil dropper thing. He doesnt want to eat anymore. This morning he scared me, he was fighting something invisible, he was scared and moving his arm and legs up, like swimming or wrestling, he was shaking, then i grabbed his hand and he calmed down and said "susto" which means "scared" in spanish, i dont know what he saw or felt but he was fighthing it.
At night i told him "ok goodnight bro, im going to bed now, anything u wanna tell me or u want before i go?" and he said whispering "she's right here with me" and i almost shit my pants but asked "who" and mumbled a bunch of nothing, he couldn't say a name. Now that i remember also at the hospital he said the same thing about a lady being there standing next to his bed... we have no dead female relatives, just my godmother who was friends with the family...so i dont know. i know hes not hallucinating cuz its been the same hallucination since he was at the hospital. its just weird, hes got one foot on the other side already, he keeps stretching his arm as if wanting to grab someone's hand. (read the entry for saturday jan 28th 06)
Oh I had a nightmare july 31st, I dreamed my mom told me Jeff died, I couldnt stop crying, and for some reason The Daylights were there (this band) and I just realized I was gonna go see them play monday the 6th, I really hope that's not the date, All the numbers added (8/6/2007) make a 5 if added to a single digit.. and 5 is the number he called from when i got a weird call from Jeff unconcious, (read weds 25th 2006). I want it to be tuesday already so I know it was just a bad dream.
My dad telling Jeff to get better soon before he has a heart attack.
Monday Aug 6th 2007: :'(
I cannot believe the freaking nightmare was true.. my brother passed away this morning... at 10:10am. I knew it, i knew a week ago this was the day, i hated it knowing it, i hated seeing him go it was torture and ill never forget it. I was hoping it was just a bad bad feeling... dammit!!! He had trouble breathing, his eyes were dilated and moving from side to side, he was already brain dead. Didn't eat or drink anything in 3 days. He would breathe with a pause of 5 seconds in between, then 10 seconds, he had a 104 fever, then he was moaning and wheezing. He started breathing slower and slower and by 9am the whole family was here saying their goodbyes, a priest and a nurse. At 10am he started getting blue and really trying hard to breathe, like a fish out of water. My mom and dad started losing it... At 10:10 he had a loud sigh that freaked us out, he stopped breathing and his head went sideways. Someone in the room said "he's gone" and that's when all hell broke loose, my dad started screaming and saying "call 911" he started giving him CPR and my cousin grabbed him, he was crying and cursing, my mom was crying over his feet. All my cousins were crying a river and i was just in shock, my family must think im made of iron cuz i wasnt crying but i wasn't cuz i couldnt believe it, i was like in a comma. He turned cold and pale a few minutes after, really pale. I touched his nose and it was cold, i just touched it a few minutes ago and it was burning from the fever.. how quick death takes over the body.. i felt his soul leave whith that last sigh, i felt it
The mortuary people came at 3pm, they wrapped him in sheets like a mummy and put him on a stretcher. By then everyone was calmed down, but when they saw him wrapped up and those dudes tightening the belts on his stretcher thats when they all started crying again, i still didn't. I walked outside, watched the van leave.. and that's when it hit me.. my bed was empty, his shoes were under, i just hugged my boyfriend and cried a river, and I probably won't stop until the weekend. Jeff after he was cold and pale, somehow smiled. as u can see on the pic below. On the pic above with my dad he wasn't happy.. but today, he smiled. He left without pain, I think it hurt a little bit trying to breathe but no pain. After we all calmed down some i took the picture. My dad still hasn't stopped crying, he kinda fainted. I still can't believe it. We are cremating him on the 16th :'(
Goodbye bro, mi ñañito bello... i love you and I tried... I really tried i can't believe I failed you. It's been 19 months of hell...and you tried so hard, i remember you drinking all the nasty shit i bought because i told u it's to make you better.. im sorry it was a lie..and it didnt work, i remember you saying "shit" everytime something changed, you falling, loosing ur balance, then you went blind, and still after each "shit" you managed to say "oh well, its ok" and keep a smile. They say cancer patients suffer from depression, i can't say you ever had it, always so optimistic only so ur dreams get crushed by a fucking tumor. Im so sorry life dissappointed you like that....i love you and i will miss you like heck, I already do. I'll take care of Kelly and your stuff... watch over me ok? :'(
Thursday August 23rd 2007:
Friday the 17th we had my brother's ceremony. I guess a chapel for 70 people wasn't enough, it was full and there were lots of people outside. Jeff had more people love him than I imagined..that's not counting all his friends and family in Ecuador. The ceremony was nice, the priest gave a mass and then I showed on a projector to the wall this slideshow of his pictures with his friends, family and simply Jeff?while my friend Heath played a song to it. That will be forever Jeff's song like he said. After the ceremony we walked his ashes to his spot on the wall?I didn't feel he was in there, in the jar, I felt he was walking next to me. Im sure he was there and happy to see how many people cared. My dad wouldn't let go of the ashes, they say those orbs that appear in pictures are angels or spirits, I wonder if it was Jeffrey..or his angels.
March 22 1976-August 6 2007.
Died at 31 years old
RIP bro, see ya soon :'(