|Posted by jennysita on September 18, 2009 at 2:12 AM|
Saturday, Jan 14th 2006:
Don't know what to do...or say.. my mom came crying into my room this morning, she freaked me out. And then the worst news ....she said my brother has a brain tumor and if he doesn't go into surgery asap he will die. it was the size of an egg, i saw the scans. he's had a headache for the last 8 days and he visited last night, when he went home i noticed something was wrong with him. this morning the pain was unbearable and he was stumbling so his gf took him to the ER. Im gonna be at the hospital till he's out. i cant think right now. im tyred, im feeling weird at the moment, like in disbelief. Like im having a nightmare and im waiting to wake up, plus i got the flu real bad and im pretty drugged up, im so tyred and out of it, I cant even cry. Those of u who know Jeff will know he's not the kind of guy that deserves this, he's the sweetest, funniest, most caring person I know. Im not to religious but maybe it will help if we pray for him, i mean.. someone's gotta listen up there dont u think? and im guessing the more voices the better the chance of being heard. Im gonna get a few hours of sleep before i head back to the hospital (harbor ucla for those who care). my head and eyes hurt today sucks. oh and Kelly's birthday is today (shes 3) Jeff was more bummed about not being able to celebrate his daughters birthday than about his problem.
Sunday Jan 15th 2006 :
Well today my bro just lost it :(, he hasnt opened his eyes all day from the pain and he can barely talk, he said random stuff (while eyes closed) that made no sense like "kelly get ur bottle" or "this dude wants a $40 tattoo" or he moved his arms like doing stuff, he was imaginary driving and painting. hes starting to lose his speech and movement slowly, he kept hitting his head with his fist and making faces like he's in pain, which he is. no meds till surgery day cuz they want him concious they said, and guess whats fucked up..today they cant do shit cuz its sunday and most doctors are off, and tomorrow either cuz its a fucking holyday! so my brother who's getting worse by the hour with no medicine has to freaking hold it till tuesday when they decide to work again! i swear i hate the system! and from now on i hate holydays!.
PS: I've never seen my dad cry like tonight, it scared me to death, he was crying holding my brothers unconcious head up telling him he better not leave us!, i really hope i dont see that again, seeing my parents cry hurts as much as seeing my bro almost dead
I decided ill post pics so you guys are right there with me.
Jeff mumbling random stuff and his gf Liz crying next to him.
Monday 16th (morning) 2006:
Well my mom came in crying to the room again saying "they called from the hospital, jeff got worse!" well how the fuck is he supposed to get better when the freaking doctors are on vacation! they said they're "on call" till tuesday and they'll only call them if an emergency happens. so i guess for them my brother not opening his eyes, not speaking and not moving is fucking normal. when the nurse checked his eyes last night they were dilated, its like his fucking dead alive. i swear im gonna go kick some ass today...i gotta run, ill update later.
They said Jeff was having small seizures and completely stopped talking and moving, his eyes were dilated so they did this lil emergency surgery where they stuck a tube in his forehead to release the pressure. Thank god after that he came back a lil, he was awake and talking and eating. the doctor asked him what year it was and he saw he was connected to all these machines and said in a robotic voice "it is 2015" and i told him to stop joking or they'll put more shit on him and he said "jk jk i know its march 2005" then we told him it was jan 2006 and he looked really confused. they asked him again 10 minutes later and he said 1999. He was laying down then he sat and saw all the cables and tubes on his hands, arms forehead and he was all "WTF! im in the matrix!.he tried peeing in this bottle thing but he missed and he was laughing his ass off. then he tried eating jelly and from the plate to his mouth his arm was sooo shaky it was all on his lap and when the spoon was finally to his mouth it was empty,he got another laugh attack after seeing the mess he made. he asked for pen and paper cuz he wanted to draw (he's an artist) he said after seeing himself in the mirror,he was all inspired to draw cuz he looked like frankenstein lol, tubes everywhere, right eye closed, half shaved head, it was great (if u saw his art, ud understand). awee only we would laugh about that...anyways, im so relieved today that hes back, well not 100 hes a little retarded right now haha, but im sure after the tumor is gone he'll be back. thank you guys for praying and calling or emailing, ur support means alot and i told him how all my friends cared for him and he smiled...a crooked ass smile since his right side is numb...but a smile nonetheless... now im hoping the surgery goes well so i can finally sleep again.
Jeff waking up saying "WTF are all these cables?" and my mom explaining.
Turns out the surgery will be next tuesday. The tumor is in the center of the brain, middle of the middle and its attached to the main blood vessels of the brain.its gonna last 5 to 8 hours and its way more complicated than we thought.he said the risks are he can go blind, have problems with language and speech and lose movement on his right side...which sucks! he's a tattoo artist, he needs perfect vision and his right hand moving. and those are just the risks after surgery, the risks during were comma, hemorrage, stroke, etc..grrr a whole week of worrying, i cant wait till its over. i wont update till next tueday that its surgery day. Again, thanks to all who are staying updated and thanks for reading this.
Tomorrow they stick this tube that goes from his stomach to his heart and it shoots some weird ink so they can see all his insides on this scanner, and check his heart rate n stuff... my poor bro, he's like a lab rat. They do all these tests everyday that by the day of the surgery he's gonna feel like a rag doll. Im there every day, since i wake up till i have to sleep (if any of u wanna hang out there let me know, it gets lonely. plus hospitals can be quite entertaining, Janneth and I were wandering around the pediatrics section seeing all the babies, some were pretty ugly, but then again new borns always are cuz they're still kinda purple..anyways...). I cant wait till its over. Poor jeff has cables and tubes all over him, hes so unconfortable, can't even get up to pee. grrrrr...good night.
Bro and sis
Jeff draws even with one eye...
Nothing new except we had to do the first painful step. My bro lost over 3 years in hair lenght, in just a couple minutes..it was funny though, my dad was all "oops i think i cut a cable"and after cutting it to the shoulder we were all "ok bye" and his hair was sooo messed up lol he was all "hell no u better not leave me like this!" so we finished it. It was longer than mine, like a little above his belly button, crazyness.
We were laughing cuz i told him, if he thought he looked like frankenstain before, well....now it's not the time to grab a mirror lol.
grr just 3 more days, till its either good or bad news...hopefully good.
Tuesday Jan 24th 2006, surgery day:
:'( before surgery he was starving and said "alright, ill see ya later sis, have a big sandwich ready cuz i haven't eaten all day" well, i was there all day waiting, and finally he came out from the surgery room, 3 hours later he didn't know who we were, didn't know where he was, what happened, couldn't open his right eye, all his right side is paralized for now, and his eyes got filled with tears, he had an oxigen mask, that they took off later, his head wrapped like a mummy, tubes in his pee pee so he can pee, iv's everywhere, more cables than before and this time he can't talk cuz his throat had a tube so it was sore. I know he's gonna be fine, and i know he didn't know who i was from the anastesia, it just kills me to see him cry, but i was the one kicking all the crying family members out cuz that's what made him sad, i kept him laughing telling him he's gonna be more inspired to draw now, and that everyone's a lil retarded after they've had they're brain open. I wish i could be there all day to keep him happy, i dont like it when depressed visitors come... no good. Now that im home i can finally let it out...fuck!:'( Anyways...they dont know if its cancerous, they took a piece out but a big chunk is still there, he needs a second surgery. and probably quimoteraphy and radiation and this tube inside his head forever that drains the tumor which will keep growing...So really, its been a bad day. I start school tomorrow...great. Thanks for all ur prayers, someone listened cuz Jeff is alive. but i wish it was over, I guess this was the beguinning of a long ass recovery....gotta go hug my pillow now..
Weds Jan 25th, strange things happen:
Something weird happened today, im still trying to figure it out cuz there has to be an answer and i always find it. Last night i left the hospital around 3am and i was gonna goback as soon as i woke up again.but before i left, at around 10am i turn my cell off to change the dead battery, i put the charged battery in and turn the phone back on, in that time i missed a call cuz i had a new voicemail, so i check..and its Jeffrey. Now here's the weird thing, he has no cell and they dont allow to use any in there anyways, he doesnt know my number and he can't speak. I run to the hospital cuz i figured if he called me then some visitor let him borrow their cell and they have my number in it. I was kinda mad that they made him leave me a message instead of the owner of the phone doing it. Its so hard for Jeff to talk right now. Well i get there at 11ish and Jeff is still unconcious since last night, nurse says he cant talk cuz his throat is messed up from surgery, i tried to make him talk and with all his strenght only air comes out, barely voice, plus his lips are numb so he doesn't sound clear at all. I asked 3 nurses: "who was there before me?" and they all said "ur the first visitor". So i checked my "log" on the phone which is all incoming and outgoing calls, and at the time the phone was off I got an incoming message from a number 5. that was it... not a whole phone number but a single digit. So Jeff somehow called me from "5" and in the message his voice is very very scratchy (and yes it is jeff, he has a unique voice) he sais "Pantame quiere dejar mensaje" which means "pantame wants to leave a message" and he hung up, I dont know if Pantame is a name or what. Anyways i know theres a scientifical explanation but i dont know it quite yet hehe.
Now going back to news...he's had a fever all day, hes laying on a cold ass mat where he was shivering since 10am, he's still unresponsive, can't open eyes, cant talk, they put a tube that goes from his nose to his stomach, cuz he can't swallow anything, his left side is inflamated, and he's been vomiting since last night. I had school today, have no idea what the teacher said, my mind was with Jeff, i tried concentrating but every 5 seconds i'd picture my bro in his bed with all the cables and how much he needs me.. literally, his nurses are retarded. They gave him the wrong medication yesterday that he puked, he was laying while vomiting, I lifted him cuz he was choking, nurses don't notice him unless his thing goes BEEEEP, but that doesn't beep unless his heart or pressure change, its the lil things that bother him and that nurses don't do. I clamped this tube where he pees from to his leg so whenever he moves his leg, it moves with it, cuz he kept accidentally moving it and it hurts like a bitch...i mean its in his..u know what. I cleaned his neck from the vomit and cleaned his teeth. This one nurse was pulling his arm to the IV cuz it had a short chord, she was trying to hang it from a hook that was high and I told her "why don't u move that thing closer or hang it on the lower hook" and she's all "oh yes ok". I mean where the hell is her common freaking sense..have some intuition dammit! the nurses don't do but what they HAVE to do. Lil things like "squeeze my hand if u have an itch" or move ur tongue if ur arm hurts this way, or the light bothers u, etc. they make such a difference, hes gonna think im a nurse haha, he smiled a couple times, he responds to me. He doesnt know where hes at or why but if something bothers him i can make him let me know my parents and his gf see him and just cry so they're pissing me off. I kicked them out LOL. i was explaining to Jeff why he feels pain and stuff, told him its normal after a surgery. Nurses and doctors tell ME whats going on now cuz im the only one that doesn't freak out. Of course inside im scared shitless. I wish i could be there tonight cuz the night nurse is stupid. but i have homework :(. I'm gonna go do hw and then listen to my creepy message again.
I uploaded the message here, i think you have to download it to listen
Thursday January 26th 2006:
He opened his eyes yay!! he sees 4 of each person though, and he can't talk still. Oh i asked him if he called me last night and he nodded his head. we dont know how, since yesterday he wasn't even awake yet, he must've dreamed it. It will remain a mystery if anyone wants to hear i got the message saved hehe. I guess they'll let us know if the tumor is bad or not in a week and then he needs a 2nd surgery. When is all this shit gonna end? oh i gave him a manicure and pedicure today lol. He has a gnarly scar with staples, its kinda cool. He still talks non sense though, cant wait till hes back to normal, im starting to miss him, never noticed how much till routine is broken, he visits every weekend and so far its been 2 where he hasn't. Even though i see him everyday at the hospital, he's still gone u know what i mean? i tell him everything haven't told him about shows or dates, or movies that are out...it sucks. Anyways im living at the hospital till this is over.
They told us they dont know if the tumor is bad or not but so far it looks like it is, nurse said "its not finalized but for the looks of what we got so far, it seems malignant" :(. And if its malignant he has to do quimo and pills. You could just see my bro's face, his eyes just showed how depressed he's starting to get. Not only cuz he's sick but he hates seeing his family go through this, I can tell he can't stand seeing my parents cry, or his gf. Thats why im keeping him happy so at least we take that worry off his chest..of course he probably thinks im the only one that doesn't care, or the cold one i hope not, I just dont want him to see me cry. He'll get through this, i know cuz im letting him borrow my guardian angels, i told them they got the day off to go work with my bro, trust me if u knew me, u'd know i have angels (thats why some friends think im a witch lol i get everything i want) i dont think they're listening tho, i was 20 mins late to this class im trying to add today, the teacher went out for a minute, and in that minute i walked in so he didn't notice i was late :)and he only had one space left to add. One computer open (comp class) guess who he added i was happy at first cuz i was all "damn im lucky" then i thought "shit! my angels are still with me" Well i guess its good at least everything else around me is working.
Here is me and my bro
Friday again, after midnight:
So im home, glad to have seen my bro recovering, talking more, moving more when my dad calls from the hospital, just to ask if we were awake, my mom says "yeah" and he says "ok we're coming over" , why would fmly visit so late? he gets here with 2 aunts, 3 cousins, my half brother, his wife, etc, so many people in my living room I didnt notice, didnt care, they all had they're eyes red and swollen, my dad comes to me, hugs me and starts crying. At that moment my heart is about to stop or explode and i think "this is it Jenny, the time to be ur strongest, the time to calm the WHOLE family down cuz as i can see, they're all weak, and if join them...we'd all die" that as my first thought...no matter what the news were, i had to say "ah that's normal, he's gonna be fine" well my mom is already crying her heart out and says "what the hell happened" my dad makes everyone sit down, starts crying, tells my cousin to tell us. She says "the doctor said that it's cancerous, they dont know what stage it is, could be advanced" i say "hmm that's not what they told me earlier", my cousin says "well Jeff's gf just called me and told me crying that they said its cancerous and they dont know how bad it is, how spread" so i ask my cousin "did the doctors call her after then? after around 6pm? cuz i talked to the doctors last and that's not what they said" and my cous says "no, she was telling me u were there with her, so shes telling me the same thing" so i say "ah ok, cuz if it's what they told us (me and my bros gf) earlier, than they said, it COULD be cancerous and even if it is...theres always quimotheraphy and he's not the first person with a tumor, the doctor didn't say "im sorry jen" he said "Jeff ur gonna be alright, just be patient"...at that moment the whole family stopped crying, my cousin had a big sigh of relief, my dad looks at me and says "so hes not gonna die then" and im like "WTF! who said he's gonna die?, I have friends who've had cancer that now i go party with", my mom hugs me and says "i guess its the same news, but its the way that its delivered which gives u hope or no hope" so i told my family, whatever questions u have, whatever the doctor says...ask me, i wont lie, i wont exagerate and i wont say what i think will happen, i do research, since i knew about the tumor, I've been online every night finding shit about it, and i knew the symptoms, i knew what they'd find and i know what they're gonna do next. I told my parents, "of course its cancerous, any abnormal growth of cells is cancer, anything not supposed to be there", what we didnt know is if its spread or not, and for the looks of what doctors said, its not advanced...everyone smiled, hugged me and left.
I told my mom and dad...its not over, if he goes through quimo, he'll lose weight, vomit, lose hair (well we shaved him), get weak and right at the moment of desperation when u think he's gonna die...the doctors say "we killed it all, its time for his recovery"..of course I don't know if any of that shit is true, i was just trying to bring some piece of mind to my family. I've never seen them like that, it was like someone died. Anyways...im gonna go sleep, im kinda pissed, dont know why or at who, i mean i cant be mad at my bros gf for calling my cousin all crying and dramatic because she loves Jeff so much and different people have different ways of expressing their feelings. I guess she loves him so much and she's so scared, that when she delivers news her voice just scared my cousin a little. When i do, i'm confident and strong so they hear the same exact bad news but it comes off as "oh ok, that sucks, but he'll be fine, just a lil more work". Even though i am scared like shit
Sometimes it's really hard not to be sucked in, I mean u got a living room full of adults crying, its a freaking reunion. It's so hard when u see ur parents, uncles, aunts, all these people u look up to, older than you, lose hope and just cry... and me..the tiniest of them all, telling them he's gonna be fine and having them believe it! they know I dont just say stuff, they know I read, ask and I'm a facts person. They know if i say he's gonna be ok its cuz i asked the doctors about it, and not cuz im just trying to calm them, they know if Jenny said it, then it must be true. I was glad to see them all leave with hope. But im scared, what if he's not fine and I dissappoint them all. I need a lil re-assurance myself , I cry myself to sleep every night worried that i wont be strong enough and sooner or later, im gonna believe what the rest does, sooner or later ill realize its just ME being optimistic about a cancerous brain tumor. I hope I don't lose it, it would all fall apart.
Shit...i need a drink...and with alchohol and all....goodnight
Couldn't visit today cuz im sick, more than before, sore throat and cough, can't hear from my right ear, my throat infection went all the way up there, my voice is gone, I guess im mute going deaf lol...i should freaking poke an eye out to be complete! hahaha :'( . what else can go wrong. Oh and i got an email from a teacher saying i cant add the class, so the luck i had yesterday is gone. Anyways, all i know is my bro has a cancerous tumor, stage 3 (means kinda advanced or grows at a fast rate) and its an Astrocytoma. (astrocytomas are not curable tumors with any of the treatment methods available to us today <---saw that online) unless its a pilocytic astrocytoma which is benign. (crossing my fingers its that one) I guess we'll know in 10 days. I cant even cry anymore, we've gotten only bad news everyday that i dont even get shocked. I have no emotions, i cant laugh, or cry, sometimes im just sitting staring at one spot for hours without thinking...which is weird cuz i could never ever have my mind blank, you know how they say sometimes "ok dont think of anything" then id think about not thinking, so it could never happen, well now i can do it. I have to think of 29 different ways to draw a guitar for homework monday, and that should be cake for me, if u knew me, i could think of 1000 but right now, i cant even think of one, not even the original! its like I have the fucking tumor.
Oh my bro said he keeps seeing this lady there called Linda, like standing next to us n stuff....of course she's invisible, so either he's turning psychic or going crazy :(. Random fact: he's in room 6, bed ..6, on the 6th floor, if u knew Jeff u'd know he's not to religious, more into the dark side so of course he was kinda smiling when we told him that...but i think its a sign of who gave him the damn tumor. Oh and i noticed he's had more visitors than the pope..so many people that he's made happy, and made laugh (and i dont mean giggle, he will make u pee), he's touched so many hearts that seriously...i dont get that phrase "everything happenes for a reason", cuz if he died, there are soooo many people that would be depressed forever!. So i dont get the Fucking Reason! why HIM! makes no sense...
Im still sick so i havent visited him, getting worse too, my mom thinks im getting bronchitis and i should see a dr. but...whatever. So, they took the feeding tube out so he can eat soft food, like puree stuff...he vomited all day, and he complains about pain now. headaches, and nauseas. He talks nonsense, he said he wasted all morning watching Max X, theres not even tv's there so old memories just come and go randomly and he mixes them with truth. that's it for today...im waiting for my mom to come home and update me some more.
For some reason my dad gets emotional sometimes out of nowhere, its like he talks to my bro and after a while he realizes that we're at a hospital and he remembers why we're there etc so he started crying..and Jeff is all "why are u crying?" and my dad says "im not" and Jeff said "its ok, don't cry, i won the race" so my dad asked "what race?" and he said "the race..me and the 2 asians next to me raced in our beds, and I won!, ha! these cables can't stop me" so we all started laughing. Jeff says the craziest shit, I wont mind if the Doctors leave him like he is now, a lil retarded, but funny. I hope he doesnt get worse. It's weird, im not used to it. Today i got this juice that supposedly does miracles, known to cure cancer..so behind the nurses back im giving it to him. Its just some natural juice so no side effects or anything. I read online about his kind of tumor, it has a 10 percent survival rate. Most of the people that have had it, have died. If Jeff comes out of this one then that juice sure has some miracle powers..well there is no IF, because i'll do whatever i have to, to help cure him. That juice thing might work, i had 2 teaspoons of it and my cold is gone...weird.
Thursday feb 2nd:
I got a ticket, Jeff is growing a beard, he's had painful headaches that have decreased since i gave him that juice (maybe its all psychological but hey ..whatever works, so far so good). And my cousin from AZ is coming to visit tomorrow.. woo hoo The doctors told us today that its an agressive type of tumor so they're gonna do an aggressive type of chemo, and some radiation. it sucks, I mean there's hope of course but not after a painfull battle. He's getting a shunt on tues. which is a tube that drains the brain fliud but instead of going to a bag like it is now, it's inside of him forever.. it drains into his own system, like he poops it out or it goes into his heart, kinda weird, imagine a tube inside ur head draining fluids all the time and u dont even feel it. Doctors really do some amazing shit. Oh i just realized im gonna be 26, on 2/6 of 2006.. kinda cool huh, maybe 2 and 6 are my lucky numbers (or unlucky) ill go buy the lottery or something. Night.
Friday feb 3:
AAAHHHH fuking nurse! theres this one old asian nurse thats so freaking anal!! she has to follow the rules by the book, no intuition at all, and she got all mad at me for giving Jeff the juice, he's had it 4 days now and in 4 days his headaches have gone down to almost none and his inflamation is reduced alot! so somehow that juice is working. And freaking Ms Swan is all "no, no give him juice without askin Dr" and i tell her "its just a fruit, no weird ingredients, or sugar, pure fruit that helps good cells grow" and she's all "No, im gonna tell dotor cuz u cannot give him noning" I swear i wanted to slap her. Then she tells some asian dr. about it but of course if he hears it from the freak nurse, he's gonna agree with her so the dude comes to me and says "the nurse told me ur overdosing ur bro with ur own medicine" and i told him "HAHA its just natural juice, and he's had it 4 days already, she freaks out now cuz she found out now, the other nurses said it was fine" and asian Dr gets all "well i dont know what it is, but i recommend u STOP IT!" so of course i said ok but im not gonna stop. Fuck those doctors, I'm not gonna give my own bro something bad for him. Plus I asked other doctors about it cuz they know the stuff it has and they said it was all good. specially for cancer patients...fucking asian old fart lady nurse...
My lil cousin cried last night, he's 14 or 15 (George), always looked up to Jeff.I guess it hit him when he went to visit and Jeff asked "who's that dude", sucks when a loved one doesn't recognize you :(...Anyway...here's some pics from xmas..now that we remember Jeff was complaining about a headache that night if we only knew...
me and my bro in this next pic, i look like a ghost. this was like 2 weeks before it all went to hell, it was after new years...crazy how life changes in just one day. One day u have a headache, the next u have a tube in ur head, and the next u have cancer. Sometimes life throws some fucked up surprises :(.
Saturday feb 4th 2006:
I am just amazed at how freaking unfair life is...my gramma went to visit Jeff today and i just realized... it's possible that her and my grampa might attend to their grandchild's funeral before he goes to theirs.. my grampa is kind of mean, he makes my gramma cry a lot and he hates everyone, no one can visit him, he can't even be at one of those places for old people cuz he yells at the nurses and bites them lol. Violent lil mofo, so he lives at home with gramma and he's so healthy, its just a bit unfair. I mean he turned 98 right after xmas...he's almost a freaking century and he's not even close to leaving us anytime soon...but my bro who hasn't turned 30 yet ..is going through this shit. Well i guess if the world was fair, all criminals would have cancer instead of children, only thiefs would get robbed and I would be taller...but we gotta live with what the world throws at us..sometimes its just a really hard ball to catch
Tonight my friend Jon took me to the coldplay concert...I was glad to get my mind off stuff at least for a night (thanks buddy!), and then Fiona Apple opens up for them and I remembered my brother liking that chick, for a second I completely forgot about everything and grabbed my phone, I start dialing, after dialing the area code i pause and think "wtf am i doing"... shit..i can't just call my bro at random times anymore...and it sucks how much those lil things i can't share with him are just starting to hit me, i miss him i cant wait till he comes out of this so i can call him and bug anytime about any stupid exciting thing i saw like i always did :(.
Is it just me or has this year so far been shitty for everyone?... i mean besides Jeff's situation, my dad's car broke down, my cousin's cat got ran over by some car last night (she has been crying for my bro since the beguinning and now her baby was spread on the street like a tortilla), my other cousin went to visit Jeff with a purple eye cuz he got beat up, 2 of my friends get they're car's broken into this week, my mom is getting less hours at work, I couldn't add the classes i needed and my car is this close (doing the thing with my fingers) from breaking down. If u've had something shitty happen this year please let me know so i know im not alone..is the world this mean?
Sunday Feb 5th:
So now my bro has some bacteria on his head :(, they have to fix that before they do that Shunt installation tuesday (shunt=tube inside) So my mom and I babysat my niece Kelly (Jeff's 3yr old cutie) the weekend. Here's a lil video of her, i told her lots of people are praying for her daddy and at the end of the video she thanks everyone on her own, shes so cute..oh and after that there's a lil video of her at the hospital but the camera died right before u see her climb on the bed. damn battery.
PS: I look like shit cuz i haven't slept, and i was babysitting so don't get scared, im just a lil drained.
Tuesday Feb 7th 2006:
Had my first bday without my brother :(,even though my friends and family were there for me, i still cried, its just weird not having him there saying"oh shit its ur birthday?" cuz he always forgot LOL but then he'd run to the store and get me a last minute gift, and no matter what it was, i was happy cuz it was the thought that counts and he'd go to the trouble of getting something and drawing me a handmade card. (his drawings are better than the damn cards at the store) I just miss having him here, giving me my bday hug. It was his gf's bday too, same day, we're both born feb 6th. .2 of the people Jeff loves the most. She's having a tough time also of course. Im just hoping that he makes it to HIS bday march 22nd. His big 30th. Today they put that Shunt in him, im gonna go to the hospital right now, see whats up...oh last night my mom and i got laugh attacks because she lost her job....we laugh at tragedy sometimes, I guess laughter is what's left when u have no more tears.
Thursday Feb 9th:
I SWEAR!!! some doctors are fucking RETARDED!! yesterday they ask my bro the date, he says oct 2005, they ask where he's at, he has no idea, and he doesnt know why, so they remind him he has cancer every day and depress him, how stupid are they! its better if he doesnt know and his spirits are up all the time, he's always happy and then they ruin it!..anyways that's the small reason of why they're stupid, now the big reason. ..its fucking obvious he can't think straight and then the Dr asks (stupid girl doctor by the way) if he wants anastesia for this small procedure (taking the tube out from his forehead and stitching the hole) and Jeff says "nah, no thanks" having no idea what the hell they're asking him, so of course i had no idea what was going on, I just see his curtains closed when i got to the hospital and they wouldn't let me in for 20 mins (if i would've gotten there a lil sooner, i would've talked to the Dr and she would've asked me instead of him dammit) so they finally let me in, Jeff is full of tears looking straight up saying like in a whispering voice "fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck" holding his head with both hands, so i ask the nurse "wth just happened! whats wrong with him?" and he sais "oh the Dr. just left, she took the tube out and stitched him" and im like "is it normal that it hurts so much?" and he sais "yeah, ur brother is in a lot of pain right now, and its gonna last bout 40 mins, but we asked if he wanted anastesia and he said no" so i just went off on the nurse..i wish it was the Dr tho cuz talking to nurses is like talking to the wall. It reminded me of a shot soldier from Saving pvt Ryan, u know like in those scenes where the guy gets shot and he's looking straight up with watery eyes trying to talk but he can't, and it looks like he's pushing or holding on to something really strong, face gets all red, some more tears come out and finally the soldier dies. Well...that's what it looked like, except insteadof dying, the pain was fading away slowly. The longest half hour of our lives.He couldn't even look at me, and he was in the Army 4 years, He knows pain, he never cries, it must've hurt like a bitch! 40 minutes later hes like "omg sister, it still hurts really bad but shit! at least i can talk now" my poor brother...every day at the hospital he gets a lil more torture, mostly from stupidity which is what pisses me off :(.
Saturday Feb 11th:
My bro's gf told me that they decresed the use of this medicine that's for inflamation the days i was giving him that juice, but since i stopped they started giving him more of that medicine again...which means, that juice thing is working cuz it reduced inflamation I've been sneaking it in hehe. Jeff is trying to draw with his left hand since he still can't move his right side. Hopefully it comes back to him, or he just has to learn perfect lefty skills to be able to tattoo again. They start chemo soon, they still haven't. At least it's still stage 3 and it hasn't grown to 4 so thats good. I made him a mixed cd with some portishead cuz he loves that girl, and when i put the headphones on him and my mom was talking, he just stared at her and started singing, which is funny cuz portishead is a girly girl's voice so he was doing his gay singing, kinda like Stevie Wonder sort of voice.
He is trying to draw with his left hand now that his right side doesnt work as well, i think he's doing a hell of a job.
Sunday feb12th 2006:
Sister and I laughing our asses off playing on the elevators...i know i know, we're not 12...shit i mean 6, cuz 12 yr olds don't do that, but trust me, after going to the hospital for a month, and visiting every floor and every room, you kinda run out of things to do. Jeff says the funniest things but his mind does work better, cuz he notices when he sais something wrong like for ex: i asked him names of bands he likes to make him another cd, and he said "oh ok ok, i like..hmm..watermelon..(we all stare at eachother), wtf?... did i just say watermelon?" and he laughed. Then he said "shit thats not what i wanted to say..i meant...the big..that big..big plumber" and he puts his hand to his face and goes "oh shit, im screwed" so it was funny to see how he can't say what he thinks but he noticed it i guess thats a good sign cuz a few days back he didn't notice. They start chemo either the 23rd or 26th. they still havent put that Shunt in him.
Thursday Feb 16:
WOW...i really think that juice is working, or else the doctors are just retarded and completely diagnosed my bro with the wrong shit. Last night the Dr told my mom that my brothers tumor is not an Astrocytoma but its a Oligodadroglioma (damn thats a hard one to spell) and that it's actually Slow growth. (compared to the astrocytoma one that grows really fast) but the first weeks they told us it was growing fast and we could see it in Jeff cuz the more it grew, the more retarded he'd get. Since I started sneaking that juice in, he speaks with more sense now, and when he says something that doesn't make sense, he notices. He was trying to explain me something last night and he was all "awe forget it, it wont come out right" so thats a good sign. Its funny cuz that juice thing is supposed to slow the growth. I can't believe the dr's completely changed their diagnosis. Wow. yay my witchcraft is working lol. Now if i could only shrink the damn tumor..then ill be happy
Saturday feb 18th:
They did this test where they took out some spine liquid cuz my brother has an infection and that's how they test it. I guess they cant start chemo till his infection is gone. He's still with bad memory, usually he remembers his family but my sister asked "who gave u that squishy ball to exercise ur hand?" and Jeff said "this nice girl that's been helping me out since the beguining" and my sister said "that's Jenny...your sister" and he was all "oh yeah".
Here's an unfinished drawing he's doing with his left again. he's never used his left so its still a bit awkward. but he's getting better at it
He's playing air guitar, i made him a heavy metal mixed cd. He said "best gift ever" hehe
Thursday Feb 23rd:
My bro has his own room now, they took him out from the ICU (intensive care unit) cuz he doesn't need extra attention they havent started chemo yet and hes getting a lil better (must be my natural remedies i've been giving him woo hoo) he has a lil tv and everything (jeff's gf rocks! she got a portable dvd and bunch of movies). Jeff can't lie anymore lol, he's like a kid, he can't think complicated so he can't lie, which requires thinking, he says exactly what's on his mind, its scary, like he saw this old lady friend of the family and he called her "narisona", it means "big nose" which she had lol and one of his "big" friends came today and he asked Jeff if he remembered his name and he said "Ham" so he's just a lil to blunt right now. Kinda funny
Heres another drawing he made with his left hand. that's hard.
Friday Feb 24th:
I got to the hospital and it was so sweet to see Kelly tucked in bed with her daddy. Jeff said as soon as she walked in she went and climbed on top. Poor thing, hasn't hung out with Jeff in over a month now. A friend let me borrow Jackass and i swear i haven't seen Jeff laugh out loud in so long, i mean he's smiled and giggled but never laughed his ass off since this whole thing happened. It was funny cuz he cant move his right side so his smile is really crooked hehe so cute. He starts Radiation theraphy march 8th.
His hair is growing back quick too. Almost has a full head now
Monday Feb 27th:
Hmmm things are getting a lil out of hand. My bro left me a voice mail (borrowed his gf's cell) and he says "JENNY! i wanna get out of here! another day in this jail! I WANT TO GO HOME!, oh and bring a screwdriver" so i went and took a lil screwdriver to fix his glasses. Jeff took his robe off, and in nothing but his boxers he limps to the door and says "ok lets go, if u dont take me home, ill take myself but it's gonna be harder cuz i don't remember where i parked" which of course he never drove there, his car is here at my house. So his gf and I made him sit down, we called the Dr so he could tell him himself why he can't leave yet. And the Dr said, he has to be there another week, and march 8th they start radiation every day for 6 weeks and after that he goes to a rehab place where they do theraphy so he moves his right side. So it sucked cuz he has to be there for like another month and then some. Jeff was sooo pissed, cuz he can't talk but he can think, he knows he can't say the right stuff but its getting to him, i asked him what movies he wanted me to take and he was all "oh oh bring that funny one..that one..hmm ...(grabs his head) that one! FUCK! i can see it but i cant get the name out..FUCK!" and that's all he said. Not a good day today, he's getting ansy, I dont know how he's gonna stand another week, he was all "i got so many tattoos that were undone and i gotta finish, and im doing nothing here and and...AAAHHH" and we layed him in bed again. God i wish i could just bring him home. but they said we cant Oh he decided to take a shower all alone, since he has his own bathroom now, he got naked, walked to the bathroom, closed the door.Of course there is no shower but he saw a cup, filled it in the sink and 3 hours later...he was done showering himself standing in the bathroom, completely soaking the room. I gotta take him some more funny movies to change his mood. Nothing will take away his frustration but at least it will help. It really sucked to see his eyes all watery and he just mumbled "i wanna go home" crazy how life just changed in one night, i mean..shit, we were going to disney but instead ended up in the ER and a month and a half later..we're still there...aahhh this sucks!
Saturday March 4th:
A few days ago I took Jeff a bunch of movies my friends let me borrow and he finished watching them and as soon as he saw me, he was all "u bring more movies?" and im out! so if any of u want to contribute, let me know, ill borrow them just a few days...shit if i was renting them, id be broker than...i already am. We laughed our asses off watching "stuck on you" i never saw that. Here's a pic of Jeff and Kelly watching tv.
They start radiation soon...im so scared..what are the symptoms? no idea.. what if they mess him up more..or his right side that finally is starting to move gets worse...or his speech :(. i hope he doesnt get sick, side effects of that shit might be though. Last night he spoke with my cousin on the phone and he was all "no dude, i dont have any pain, but my left side hurts" and then he was "no no, im ok, uh huh..yeah..im fucked up" so he contradicts himself alot.
I noticed Kelly is a little resentful with him, sometimes she hits him, she doesn't say anything but she's mad that her dad doesn't come home.. whenever they say goodbye she hugs him and kisses him like 10 times before finally letting go, and my bro stays all sad. A few nights ago she punched him, then she hugged him and gave him a kiss, then she whispered "fuck"...(yes yes, she has cursed since she was born, and she knows its bad, so she whispers it now.), then she'll hit him again, and look down pouting, then she'll grab whatever she thinks it's medicine and says "here daddy, take ur medicine". It's so weird to see how kids show exactly how they feel, I mean...adults can be sad or mad but they hold it and pretend its alright, but Kelly, you can see it in her actions, in her eyes, sometimes you can tell she wants to cry but since theres no reason to, she'll let it out with the smallest thing, like if we dont give her a lollypop she will cry like someone died. All her sadness gets out when u least expect it, or if she has no reason to cry but u can just tell shes sad when she cant take her dad home...she will act really disrespectful and mad and hit people and then she leaves the room..I think in a way it makes it easier for her to leave if Jeff is mad at her. She shows exactly what she feels. Reminded me of that scene in "I AM SAM" when Sam visited the lil girl and she hit him cuz he didn't visit her, while she yelled "U forgot me! didnt u! u forgot me! i hate u!" but it was cuz she loved him so much. Kinda the same deal here. Sucks to see it in real life though.
Tuesday March 7th:
Turns out my bro has already been receiving Radiation for like 3 days already and no one knew! not even him! doctors dont tell us anything..god! they said he's getting better and he has to be there for another month and a half. time sucks, how boring to be in the same room for a month, i mean i get crazy being in the same house for a day, imagine in a room, no kitchen or living room or anything, just a room with a bed...where he has been for almost 2 months already and now...another month and more...grrr i gotta find more stuff to entertain him with. today i filed down my finger in class so im all crippled (thanks for the nickname B-man) and it's harder to drive...dammit.
Friday March 10th:
So i see no difference now that they started the radiation, im guessing he's getting better but we can't see it right away, glad to see theres no side effects, well except his losing his appetite. I took a pic of him while he was drawing and changing the channels. He can draw with his left better and better but he still doesn't exercise his right hand, he just left it for dead. I keep telling him he has to make it work again but i think he thinks its useless and he gave it up so he just wants to learn it all with his left. I dont mind if he does but i want to make him move his right side again. He still says things that make no sense like today he said "damn this sweater im wearing stinks! but i like it cuz it can connect to the internet". Or when we asked him about his radiation and he said "yeah i dont like radiation, i want to go to another college". funny shit. aaggrr.. this is taking long, get better already bro!!
Weds March 15th:
So looks like the radiation is going well, no drastic changes today except he felt a little sick, he doesn't eat to well and he was having nauseas. His right side moves like in slow motion. In other news the tip of my finger is growing back. I need more funny movies to borrow. That's all...i know.. nothing exciting or dramatic has happened in the last weeks. Recovering is such a bitch, i want him to be done and out and visiting me again!!.
Here's a pic of me making sure my brother's food wasn't poisoned LOL.
Monday March 20th:
OK haven't had a crying day in a while but ...fuck! today was the day, i knew sooner or later the side effects of the radiation and chemo were gonna show up. I visited my bro, took him some funny movies, he was very drowsy, didn't noticeI was there for a while, then he saw me and said he just had the treatment done, he said "feel it" and i touched his head....the left side was burning and the right side was cold, it was weird. Then he sits up...and i see his pillow... i was a lil shocked...it had some hairs, like he just got a haircut or something, so i went "whoa, what the hell happened" and he looked at his pillow in awe...then he grabs his hair and easily starts pulling it off and says "oh fuck! look Jenny, im going bald...what the hell is happening to me!" I told him to stop pulling it cuz he's gonna have bald spots and its just side effects from the therapy. Tomorrow we have to shave his head for sure, no hair at all is less shocking than seeing it fall off. He looked so damn sad, im gonna have that image forever...him looking at his hair in his palm and doing the crooked smile while holding his tears..i could see it in his eyes so i told him its normal, it means its killing the tumor also, not just hair cells and he said "i know i know ::sigh::" Then he asked me the date and i said "the 20th" and he said oh cool...2 more days and he went back to sleep. SHIT! 2 more days...he remembered! the 22nd is his birthday, he turns 30 (although he still acts like a 17 yr old hehe) i gotta get him something tomorrow...and it has to be something good..the gift of a lifetime...as i was thinking of that, i said goodbye to him with a smile, and walked to my car. I sit in my car, take a deep breath...and as soon as i turn the keys, it started pouring and so did I..... heh the weather man was right...wet days ahead....who knew he was talking about my cheeks.
A few days later...(he's getting used to it)
Thursday March 23rd 2006:
So my bro turned 30 last night, it was crazy...the whole family filled up his room so much that they kicked us out to a "conference room" haha, they gave us our own room lol. Jeff was soooo happy about his card. I found his friends from Ecuador, ones in NY, NJ, washington, etc. he had a lil gang of friends when he was a kid, they were like 15 dudes, they all knew eachother since they were 12 until 19 when jeff came to the US. so anyways all of them wrote to him, he was surprised as heck and he was happy to read a bunch of strangers to him cared so much. My friends rule...YOU guys rule! well here are some pics. Jeff's hair was so bad that my cousin who's a barber took his shaver machine and shaved his head. I wanna thank all my cousins who were there...its so cool to see how family is always there for us. I love it jeff has a few weeks left of treatment and then he goes to rehabilitation for his mind and right side. PS: there were 4 cakes last night! woo hooo...
Thats Jeff, sister Janneth, me and half bro Jimmy.
Jeff tried to read the card and he starts laughing and says "i cant see shit!, its all blurry" so i had to read it to him. My cousin got him a magnifying glass so now he'll read easier.
Heres video, what ur gonna see first is him blowing his 1st cake,wishing his voice comes back (of course he meant hair), then he says eyes too lol. then ull see my dad's gift, then jeff's dancing all by himself, he says "asi que sea mi fiesta" meaning "this is my party", then ull see him blowing his 2nd cake, he got 4 but we just sang twice lol. And last but not least..he thanks everyone from ecuador (spanish) and everyone here (in english), and again he's not 100 percent logical so he says something about the emails expiring, but he laughs cuz he notices when he says something wrong. He's a little slow right now. What he meant was that he's very grateful even though he can't really say it, and so am I
oh and here's something weird, a woman in the room to his right DIED when we got there, and there was so much commotion, all the family members crying, lots of doctors and nurses everywhere..i saw them puttin her hands on her chest and covering her with a sheet. THEN about 20 mins later the man on the room to his left died too and they called his family, so it was weird singing happy birthday and celebrating, while 2 families (about 25 people) were just crying they're hearts out. AND THEN they took my brothers roomate (this old man) to the ER, im gonna visit him tomorrow to see what happened... if that man died too, then ill sure believe my bro is lucky. Everyone around him decided to leave this world the day he was born....how sad..and strange.
Monday march 27th 2006:
Jeff gets out of the hospital Weds woo hooo!!! they don't need to do chemotheraphy (or install that shunt) cuz the tumor "strangely" isn't growing anymore so after his radiation theraphy is done, then he's done for good well i hope they're right, can't trust doctors these days. Jeff was so excited. then we gotta take him every other day to get the treatment finished, he still has a couple weeks of radiation left but he can come home weds and take a shuttle to the hospital yay!
Saturday April 1st:
Jeff has been home for 4 days now..yay! i took him to get his radiation done yesterday, it was cool to have him in my car again saying "change ur gay music" hehe i missed it. He sees pretty blurry so he couldn't read this blog, he wanted to read it, but he just saw the pics for now, he was confused, but also amazed. Specially after seeing the response from all of you, he was all "omg all those people read this whole thing? woooow" after a week and a half of radiation, he goes into the rehab theraphy to start thinking straight again and moving. What a long journey this has been...its almost over though ..whew!.
Sunday April 09:
Just a week or a few days left of radiation and he starts the rehab. I cant wait, he's still a little nonsense talking, like yesterday he asked me "did the neighboors help u yet?" and i said "help me with what?" and he said "record your music" lol. hopefully he comes back completely. We shave his head often cuz it only grows in the back, the whole front is all "radiated", he sleeps most of the time, ill take him somewhere tonight, he hasn't been out in a long time.
Monday April 17th:
Jeff is living back home now, with his gf and daughter. Hes done with the radiation, now he starts the rehab soon. He's still a lil slow sometimes but can hold half a conversation..woo hooo.. Your prayers have really worked, his tumor was growing fast and one of the hardest ones to treat. And now, 3 months later, its not even there...crazy huh? Thank you all again, this blog will end when all his treatments end. I know he'll be back to normal, its just taking time...grrrrr....
My little cousin George got a tattoo from him now, even though he can barely move his hand and it shakes like hell, he wanted to have something done by him.
Sunday April 30th:
Jeff has a lil difficulty making sentences but most of what he says makes sense now and when he doesn't make sense he knows it. He was trying to brake dance the other day, doing the wave thing from one arm to the other and it was funny cuz when he got to his right arm the wave moved in slow motion lol. I really hope he moves normal again, now that the tumor is gone and his radiation is done, im afraid this is the best he'll get. How is he gonna get better if theres nothing else to do? i guess we just have to wait.
Friday May 12th:
Jeff's getting better, he drove the other day, we were scared and told him not to but he called my cell and left a message and it said "sister! just wanted to say im driving around venice and it FEELS GOOD! hehe" then he hung up and my mom and i almost had a heart attack cuz he can't move his right side to much and he sees all blurry to the left so i was praying for those poor pedestrians that cross his way hahahaha. His hair isn't growing back yet, damn, how long will that take? will it even grow back? since it wasn't chemo what he had but radiation, it looks all burnt, i wonder if burnt grows back... Oh yeah he has a tummy now, i think because he had the tumor before somehow he couldn't gain weight, but not for the first time in 30 years, he's actually gaining weight. Its weird. Maybe i have something too cuz i've tried gaining a pound since i was 12 and still can't LOL. I did a very smart analization and realized all the junk food i eat goes to my toes and evaporates out my toenails...im a genius Here he is with my cousin Shirley
Thursday May 18th:
So my brother decided to drive, i mean we can't watch him 24/7. He's back at his house now and when his gf goes to work he's home alone..and guess what, he took the car out and boom! he crashed! he's ok but carless now...grrrr he's so stubborn, its hard when u were once prefectly normal and one day cant move ur right side. I guess hes frustrated and tried to ignore it. Damn tumor.
Sunday June 4th:
So Jeff is gonna start language theraphy soon, maybe his right side movement too. He's doing good, just a lil slow understanding things and still has a very short term memory, always asks the same things twice or more. But he's alive and enjoying summer
Weds June 7th:
Jeff had an appointment today and the Doc said he needs to start chemotheraphy :(, this sucks! i thought he was done with treatments and all he needed was the rehab for his movement, but the doctor said if he cant move right or talk right its cuz he still needs chemo...hes gonna get all skinny and puke his guts out when that shit starts AAAHHH. im scared
Sunday July 2nd:
I guess my bro doesn't need chemo or anything, god those doctors flip flop, they said all he needs is rehab for his movement. We went to watch superman the other day, at the end Jeff says "lets take that exit over there" so we go and end up on the back side of the mall that looked like a secret lonely hallway, and it was like a maze, took us a while to find the real exit, then we finally find a door just to see it was a door to this set of stairs that looked soooo creepy, made of cement or something and we just went for it and escaped the movie theatre after 20 mins of wandering around in the underground secret exits lol
Im just writing about this cuz I've never seen my bro laugh so much, every time we opened a door we were loster (that a word?) and he had a laugh attack, and i had to pee and we couldn't find the exit and he laughed more...awee good times i still miss my old bro, the one that made me laugh with his crazy stories, but i guess having a crazy bro is just as cool LOL.
Saturday July 8th 2006:
So bad news...my brother crashed yesterday....AGAIN! he's sooo stubborn it sucks! we tell him he can't drive, he stumbles when walking, he's half blind and half slow motion and still...he gets in his van and BOOM again!. It's the 2nd time he tries to drive and the 2nd time he hits a parked car. The lady came out mad and now they have to figure out how much he owes. He's broke as a joke and on top of that he has to pay. I keep telling him, it could've been a kid and there's a reason why they call it "disabled" and he has to accept it.
I know he hates it, he hates that he can't do a simple thing like going to the store to buy a sandwich. But he has to see reality and just learn to live with this new lifestyle. Im gonna buy him a bicycle as soon as i get my 3rd paycheck (im using the 1st and 2nd one to remove my damn wisdom teeth....i just hope i dont lose my wisdom with it). I wish i could afford an electric one so he can go further. But a regular bike will do for now. Im gonna have to give him the "You're lucky to be alive but don't push it" speech.
Thursday july 27th:
So i guess this is the last entry, cuz my bro hasn't changed in a few months. Lets just say he's getting better lil by lil, he couldn't move his right side before but he did 10 push ups yesterday so he's getting stronger...like King kong lol
Me, Jeff and my bf went to Universal Studios sunday and let me tell ya, it was great! Jeff got lost a few times hehe, he was a lil sad that he couldn't whistle like he used to and we could hear him a mile away. Since his smile is still a lil crooked it was hard. I gotta say its a good ending for this story, not perfect....but really good, he turned out from a cancerous brain tumor way better than expected. So here are a few pics to share with you guys Jeff is back, not completely but the funny, smartass guy we all once knew is still with us .. wooo hooo
How crazy, i remember once telling him at the hospital he looked like frankenstein...now he's far from it