|Posted by jennysita on September 18, 2009 at 2:10 AM||comments (12)|
Saturday, Jan 14th 2006:
Don't know what to do...or say.. my mom came crying into my room this morning, she freaked me out. And then the worst news ....she said my brother has a brain tumor and if he doesn't go into surgery asap he will die. it was the size of an egg, I saw the scans. he's had a headache for the last 8 days and he visited last night, when he went home I noticed something was wrong with him. this morning the pain was unbearable and he was stumbling so his gf took him to the ER. Im gonna be at the hospital till he's out. I cant think right now. im tyred, I'm feeling weird at the moment, like in disbelief. Like I'm having a nightmare and I'm waiting to wake up, plus I got the flu real bad and im pretty drugged up, im so tyred and out of it, I cant even cry. Those of u who know Jeff will know he's not the kind of guy that deserves this, he's the sweetest, funniest, most caring person I know. I'm not to religious but maybe it will help if we pray for him, i mean.. someone's gotta listen up there dont you think? and I'm guessing the more voices the better the chance of being heard. I'm gonna get a few hours of sleep before I head back to the hospital (harbor ucla for those who care). my head and eyes hurt today sucks, oh and Kelly's birthday is today (shes 3) Jeff was more bummed about not being able to celebrate his daughters birthday than about his problem.
Sunday Jan 15th 2006 :
Well today my bro just lost it :(, he hasnt opened his eyes all day from the pain and he can barely talk, he said random stuff (while eyes closed) that made no sense like "kelly get ur bottle" or "this dude wants a $40 tattoo" or he moved his arms like doing stuff, he was imaginary driving and painting. hes starting to lose his speech and movement slowly, he kept hitting his head with his fist and making faces like he's in pain, which he is. no meds till surgery day cuz they want him concious they said, and guess whats fucked up..today they cant do shit cuz its sunday and most doctors are off, and tomorrow either cuz its a fucking holyday! so my brother who's getting worse by the hour with no medicine has to freaking hold it till tuesday when they decide to work again! i swear i hate the system! and from now on i hate holydays!.
PS: I've never seen my dad cry like tonight, it scared me to death, he was crying holding my brothers unconcious head up telling him he better not leave us!, I really hope i dont see that again, seeing my parents cry hurts as much as seeing my bro almost dead
I decided I'll post pics so you guys are right there with me.
Jeff mumbling random stuff and his gf Liz crying next to him.
Monday 16th (morning) 2006:
Well my mom came in crying to the room again saying "they called from the hospital, Jeff got worse!" well how the fuck is he supposed to get better when the freaking doctors are on vacation! they said they're "on call" till tuesday and they'll only call them if an emergency happens. so I guess for them my brother not opening his eyes, not speaking and not moving is fucking normal. When the nurse checked his eyes last night they were dilated, its like his freaking dead alive. I swear im gonna go kick some ass today...I gotta run, I'll update later.
They said Jeff was having small seizures and completely stopped talking and moving, his eyes were dilated so they did this lil emergency surgery where they stuck a tube in his forehead to release the pressure. Thank god after that he came back a lil, he was awake and talking and eating. the doctor asked him what year it was and he saw he was connected to all these machines and said in a robotic voice "it is 2015" and i told him to stop joking or they'll put more shit on him and he said "jk jk I know its march 2005" then we told him it was jan 2006 and he looked really confused. they asked him again 10 minutes later and he said 1999. He was laying down then he sat and saw all the cables and tubes on his hands, arms forehead and he was all "WTF! I'm in the matrix!.he tried peeing in this bottle thing but he missed and he was laughing his ass off, then he tried eating jelly and from the plate to his mouth his arm was sooo shaky it was all on his lap and when the spoon was finally to his mouth it was empty, he got another laugh attack after seeing the mess he made. He asked for pen and paper cuz he wanted to draw (he's an artist) he said after seeing himself in the mirror, he was all inspired to draw cuz he looked like Frankenstein lol, tubes everywhere, right eye closed, half shaved head, it was great (if you saw his art, you'd understand). awee only we would laugh about that...anyways, I'm so relieved today that hes back, well not 100%, he's a little retarded right now haha, but I'm sure after the tumor is gone he'll be back. thank you guys for praying and calling or emailing, ur support means alot and I told him how all my friends cared for him and he smiled...a crooked ass smile since his right side is numb...but a smile nonetheless... now I'm hoping the surgery goes well so I can finally sleep again.
Jeff waking up saying "WTF are all these cables?" and my mom explaining.
Turns out the surgery will be next tuesday. The tumor is in the center of the brain, middle of the middle and its attached to the main blood vessels of the brain.its gonna last 5 to 8 hours and its way more complicated than we thought.he said the risks are he can go blind, have problems with language and speech and lose movement on his right side...which sucks! he's a tattoo artist, he needs perfect vision and his right hand moving. and those are just the risks after surgery, the risks during were comma, hemorrage, stroke, etc..grrr a whole week of worrying, I cant wait till its over. I wont update till next tueday that its surgery day. Again, thanks to all who are staying updated and thanks for reading this.
Tomorrow they stick this tube that goes from his stomach to his heart and it shoots some weird ink so they can see all his insides on this scanner, and check his heart rate n stuff... my poor bro, he's like a lab rat. They do all these tests everyday that by the day of the surgery he's gonna feel like a rag doll. Im there every day, since i wake up till i have to sleep (if any of u wanna hang out there let me know, it gets lonely. plus hospitals can be quite entertaining, Janneth and I were wandering around the pediatrics section seeing all the babies, some were pretty ugly, but then again new borns always are cuz they're still kinda purple..anyways...). I cant wait till its over. Poor jeff has cables and tubes all over him, hes so unconfortable, can't even get up to pee. grrrrr...good night.
Bro and sis
Jeff draws even with one eye...
Nothing new except we had to do the first painful step. My bro lost over 3 years in hair lenght, in just a couple minutes..it was funny though, my dad was all "oops I think I cut a cable" and after cutting it to the shoulder we were all "ok bye" and his hair was sooo messed up lol he was all "hell no u better not leave me like this!" so we finished it. It was longer than mine, like a little above his belly button, crazyness.
We were laughing cuz i told him, if he thought he looked like frankenstain before, well....now it's not the time to grab a mirror lol.
grr just 3 more days, till its either good or bad news...hopefully good.
Tuesday Jan 24th 2006, surgery day:
:'( before surgery he was starving and said "alright, ill see ya later sis, have a big sandwich ready cuz I haven't eaten all day" well, I was there all day waiting, and finally he came out from the surgery room, 3 hours later he didn't know who we were, didn't know where he was, what happened, couldn't open his right eye, all his right side is paralized for now, and his eyes got filled with tears, he had an oxigen mask, that they took off later, his head wrapped like a mummy, tubes in his pee pee so he can pee, IV's everywhere, more cables than before and this time he can't talk cuz his throat had a tube so it was sore. I know he's gonna be fine, and i know he didn't know who i was from the anastesia, it just kills me to see him cry, but I was the one kicking all the crying family members out cuz that's what made him sad, I kept him laughing telling him he's gonna be more inspired to draw now, and that everyone's a lil retarded after they've had they're brain open. I wish i could be there all day to keep him happy, i dont like it when depressed visitors come... no good. Now that im home i can finally let it out...fuck!:'( Anyways...they dont know if its cancerous, they took a piece out but a big chunk is still there, he needs a second surgery. and probably quimoteraphy and radiation and this tube inside his head forever that drains the tumor which will keep growing...So really, its been a bad day. I start school tomorrow...great. Thanks for all ur prayers, someone listened cuz Jeff is alive. but i wish it was over, I guess this was the beguinning of a long ass recovery....gotta go hug my pillow now..
Weds Jan 25th, strange things happen:
Something weird happened today, I'm still trying to figure it out cuz there has to be an answer and I always find it. Last night I left the hospital around 3am and i was gonna goback as soon as i woke up again.but before i left, at around 10am i turn my cell off to change the dead battery, i put the charged battery in and turn the phone back on, in that time i missed a call cuz i had a new voicemail, so i check..and its Jeffrey. Now here's the weird thing, he has no cell and they dont allow to use any in there anyways, he doesnt know my number and he can't speak. I run to the hospital cuz i figured if he called me then some visitor let him borrow their cell and they have my number in it. I was kinda mad that they made him leave me a message instead of the owner of the phone doing it. Its so hard for Jeff to talk right now. Well i get there at 11ish and Jeff is still unconcious since last night, nurse says he cant talk cuz his throat is messed up from surgery, i tried to make him talk and with all his strenght only air comes out, barely voice, plus his lips are numb so he doesn't sound clear at all. I asked 3 nurses: "who was there before me?" and they all said "ur the first visitor". So i checked my "log" on the phone which is all incoming and outgoing calls, and at the time the phone was off I got an incoming message from a number 5. that was it... not a whole phone number but a single digit. So Jeff somehow called me from "5" and in the message his voice is very very scratchy (and yes it is jeff, he has a unique voice) he sais "Pantame quiere dejar mensaje" which means "pantame wants to leave a message" and he hung up, I dont know if Pantame is a name or what. Anyways i know theres a scientifical explanation but I dont know it quite yet hehe.
Now going back to news...he's had a fever all day, hes laying on a cold ass mat where he was shivering since 10am, he's still unresponsive, can't open eyes, cant talk, they put a tube that goes from his nose to his stomach, cuz he can't swallow anything, his left side is inflamated, and he's been vomiting since last night. I had school today, have no idea what the teacher said, my mind was with Jeff, i tried concentrating but every 5 seconds i'd picture my bro in his bed with all the cables and how much he needs me.. literally, his nurses are retarded. They gave him the wrong medication yesterday that he puked, he was laying while vomiting, I lifted him cuz he was choking, nurses don't notice him unless his thing goes BEEEEP, but that doesn't beep unless his heart or pressure change, its the lil things that bother him and that nurses don't do. I clamped this tube where he pees from to his leg so whenever he moves his leg, it moves with it, cuz he kept accidentally moving it and it hurts like a bitch...i mean its in his..u know what. I cleaned his neck from the vomit and cleaned his teeth. This one nurse was pulling his arm to the IV cuz it had a short chord, she was trying to hang it from a hook that was high and I told her "why don't u move that thing closer or hang it on the lower hook" and she's all "oh yes ok". I mean where the hell is her common freaking sense..have some intuition dammit! the nurses don't do but what they HAVE to do. Lil things like "squeeze my hand if u have an itch" or move ur tongue if ur arm hurts this way, or the light bothers u, etc. they make such a difference, hes gonna think im a nurse haha, he smiled a couple times, he responds to me. He doesnt know where hes at or why but if something bothers him i can make him let me know my parents and his gf see him and just cry so they're pissing me off. I kicked them out LOL. i was explaining to Jeff why he feels pain and stuff, told him its normal after a surgery. Nurses and doctors tell ME whats going on now cuz im the only one that doesn't freak out. Of course inside im scared shitless. I wish i could be there tonight cuz the night nurse is stupid. but i have homework :(. I'm gonna go do hw and then listen to my creepy message again.
I uploaded the message here:
Thursday January 26th 2006:
He opened his eyes yay!! he sees 4 of each person though, and he can't talk still. Oh i asked him if he called me last night and he nodded his head. we dont know how, since yesterday he wasn't even awake yet, he must've dreamed it. It will remain a mystery if anyone wants to hear i got the message saved hehe. I guess they'll let us know if the tumor is bad or not in a week and then he needs a 2nd surgery. When is all this shit gonna end? oh i gave him a manicure and pedicure today lol. He has a gnarly scar with staples, its kinda cool. He still talks non sense though, cant wait till hes back to normal, im starting to miss him, never noticed how much till routine is broken, he visits every weekend and so far its been 2 where he hasn't. Even though i see him everyday at the hospital, he's still gone u know what i mean? i tell him everything haven't told him about shows or dates, or movies that are out...it sucks. Anyways im living at the hospital till this is over.
They told us they dont know if the tumor is bad or not but so far it looks like it is, nurse said "its not finalized but for the looks of what we got so far, it seems malignant" :(. And if its malignant he has to do quimo and pills. You could just see my bro's face, his eyes just showed how depressed he's starting to get. Not only cuz he's sick but he hates seeing his family go through this, I can tell he can't stand seeing my parents cry, or his gf. Thats why im keeping him happy so at least we take that worry off his chest..of course he probably thinks im the only one that doesn't care, or the cold one i hope not, I just dont want him to see me cry. He'll get through this, i know cuz im letting him borrow my guardian angels, i told them they got the day off to go work with my bro, trust me if u knew me, u'd know i have angels (thats why some friends think im a witch lol i get everything i want) i dont think they're listening tho, i was 20 mins late to this class im trying to add today, the teacher went out for a minute, and in that minute i walked in so he didn't notice i was late :)and he only had one space left to add. One computer open (comp class) guess who he added i was happy at first cuz i was all "damn im lucky" then i thought "shit! my angels are still with me" Well i guess its good at least everything else around me is working.
Here is me and my bro
Friday again, after midnight:
So im home, glad to have seen my bro recovering, talking more, moving more when my dad calls from the hospital, just to ask if we were awake, my mom says "yeah" and he says "ok we're coming over" , why would fmly visit so late? he gets here with 2 aunts, 3 cousins, my half brother, his wife, etc, so many people in my living room I didnt notice, didnt care, they all had they're eyes red and swollen, my dad comes to me, hugs me and starts crying. At that moment my heart is about to stop or explode and i think "this is it Jenny, the time to be ur strongest, the time to calm the WHOLE family down cuz as i can see, they're all weak, and if join them...we'd all die" that as my first thought...no matter what the news were, i had to say "ah that's normal, he's gonna be fine" well my mom is already crying her heart out and says "what the hell happened" my dad makes everyone sit down, starts crying, tells my cousin to tell us. She says "the doctor said that it's cancerous, they dont know what stage it is, could be advanced" i say "hmm that's not what they told me earlier", my cousin says "well Jeff's gf just called me and told me crying that they said its cancerous and they dont know how bad it is, how spread" so i ask my cousin "did the doctors call her after then? after around 6pm? cuz i talked to the doctors last and that's not what they said" and my cous says "no, she was telling me u were there with her, so shes telling me the same thing" so i say "ah ok, cuz if it's what they told us (me and my bros gf) earlier, than they said, it COULD be cancerous and even if it is...theres always quimotheraphy and he's not the first person with a tumor, the doctor didn't say "im sorry jen" he said "Jeff ur gonna be alright, just be patient"...at that moment the whole family stopped crying, my cousin had a big sigh of relief, my dad looks at me and says "so hes not gonna die then" and im like "WTF! who said he's gonna die?, I have friends who've had cancer that now i go party with", my mom hugs me and says "i guess its the same news, but its the way that its delivered which gives u hope or no hope" so i told my family, whatever questions u have, whatever the doctor says...ask me, i wont lie, i wont exagerate and i wont say what i think will happen, i do research, since i knew about the tumor, I've been online every night finding shit about it, and i knew the symptoms, i knew what they'd find and i know what they're gonna do next. I told my parents, "of course its cancerous, any abnormal growth of cells is cancer, anything not supposed to be there", what we didnt know is if its spread or not, and for the looks of what doctors said, its not advanced...everyone smiled, hugged me and left.
I told my mom and dad...its not over, if he goes through quimo, he'll lose weight, vomit, lose hair (well we shaved him), get weak and right at the moment of desperation when u think he's gonna die...the doctors say "we killed it all, its time for his recovery"..of course I don't know if any of that shit is true, i was just trying to bring some piece of mind to my family. I've never seen them like that, it was like someone died. Anyways...im gonna go sleep, im kinda pissed, dont know why or at who, i mean i cant be mad at my bros gf for calling my cousin all crying and dramatic because she loves Jeff so much and different people have different ways of expressing their feelings. I guess she loves him so much and she's so scared, that when she delivers news her voice just scared my cousin a little. When i do, i'm confident and strong so they hear the same exact bad news but it comes off as "oh ok, that sucks, but he'll be fine, just a lil more work". Even though i am scared like shit
Sometimes it's really hard not to be sucked in, I mean u got a living room full of adults crying, its a freaking reunion. It's so hard when u see ur parents, uncles, aunts, all these people u look up to, older than you, lose hope and just cry... and me..the tiniest of them all, telling them he's gonna be fine and having them believe it! they know I dont just say stuff, they know I read, ask and I'm a facts person. They know if i say he's gonna be ok its cuz i asked the doctors about it, and not cuz im just trying to calm them, they know if Jenny said it, then it must be true. I was glad to see them all leave with hope. But im scared, what if he's not fine and I dissappoint them all. I need a lil re-assurance myself , I cry myself to sleep every night worried that i wont be strong enough and sooner or later, im gonna believe what the rest does, sooner or later ill realize its just ME being optimistic about a cancerous brain tumor. I hope I don't lose it, it would all fall apart.
Shit...i need a drink...and with alchohol and all....goodnight
Couldn't visit today cuz im sick, more than before, sore throat and cough, can't hear from my right ear, my throat infection went all the way up there, my voice is gone, I guess im mute going deaf lol...i should freaking poke an eye out to be complete! hahaha :'( . what else can go wrong. Oh and i got an email from a teacher saying i cant add the class, so the luck i had yesterday is gone. Anyways, all i know is my bro has a cancerous tumor, stage 3 (means kinda advanced or grows at a fast rate) and its an Astrocytoma. (astrocytomas are not curable tumors with any of the treatment methods available to us today <---saw that online) unless its a pilocytic astrocytoma which is benign. (crossing my fingers its that one) I guess we'll know in 10 days. I cant even cry anymore, we've gotten only bad news everyday that i dont even get shocked. I have no emotions, i cant laugh, or cry, sometimes im just sitting staring at one spot for hours without thinking...which is weird cuz i could never ever have my mind blank, you know how they say sometimes "ok dont think of anything" then id think about not thinking, so it could never happen, well now i can do it. I have to think of 29 different ways to draw a guitar for homework monday, and that should be cake for me, if u knew me, i could think of 1000 but right now, i cant even think of one, not even the original! its like I have the fucking tumor.
Oh my bro said he keeps seeing this lady there called Linda, like standing next to us n stuff....of course she's invisible, so either he's turning psychic or going crazy :(. Random fact: he's in room 6, bed ..6, on the 6th floor, if u knew Jeff u'd know he's not to religious, more into the dark side so of course he was kinda smiling when we told him that...but i think its a sign of who gave him the damn tumor. Oh and i noticed he's had more visitors than the pope..so many people that he's made happy, and made laugh (and i dont mean giggle, he will make u pee), he's touched so many hearts that seriously...i dont get that phrase "everything happenes for a reason", cuz if he died, there are soooo many people that would be depressed forever!. So i dont get the Fucking Reason! why HIM! makes no sense...
Im still sick so i havent visited him, getting worse too, my mom thinks im getting bronchitis and i should see a dr. but...whatever. So, they took the feeding tube out so he can eat soft food, like puree stuff...he vomited all day, and he complains about pain now. headaches, and nauseas. He talks nonsense, he said he wasted all morning watching Max X, theres not even tv's there so old memories just come and go randomly and he mixes them with truth. that's it for today...im waiting for my mom to come home and update me some more.
For some reason my dad gets emotional sometimes out of nowhere, its like he talks to my bro and after a while he realizes that we're at a hospital and he remembers why we're there etc so he started crying..and Jeff is all "why are u crying?" and my dad says "im not" and Jeff said "its ok, don't cry, i won the race" so my dad asked "what race?" and he said "the race..me and the 2 asians next to me raced in our beds, and I won!, ha! these cables can't stop me" so we all started laughing. Jeff says the craziest shit, I wont mind if the Doctors leave him like he is now, a lil retarded, but funny. I hope he doesnt get worse. It's weird, im not used to it. Today i got this juice that supposedly does miracles, known to cure cancer..so behind the nurses back im giving it to him. Its just some natural juice so no side effects or anything. I read online about his kind of tumor, it has a 10 percent survival rate. Most of the people that have had it, have died. If Jeff comes out of this one then that juice sure has some miracle powers..well there is no IF, because i'll do whatever i have to, to help cure him. That juice thing might work, i had 2 teaspoons of it and my cold is gone...weird.
Thursday feb 2nd:
I got a ticket, Jeff is growing a beard, he's had painful headaches that have decreased since i gave him that juice (maybe its all psychological but hey ..whatever works, so far so good). And my cousin from AZ is coming to visit tomorrow.. woo hoo The doctors told us today that its an agressive type of tumor so they're gonna do an aggressive type of chemo, and some radiation. it sucks, I mean there's hope of course but not after a painfull battle. He's getting a shunt on tues. which is a tube that drains the brain fliud but instead of going to a bag like it is now, it's inside of him forever.. it drains into his own system, like he poops it out or it goes into his heart, kinda weird, imagine a tube inside ur head draining fluids all the time and u dont even feel it. Doctors really do some amazing shit. Oh i just realized im gonna be 26, on 2/6 of 2006.. kinda cool huh, maybe 2 and 6 are my lucky numbers (or unlucky) ill go buy the lottery or something. Night.
Friday feb 3:
AAAHHHH fuking nurse! theres this one old asian nurse thats so freaking anal!! she has to follow the rules by the book, no intuition at all, and she got all mad at me for giving Jeff the juice, he's had it 4 days now and in 4 days his headaches have gone down to almost none and his inflamation is reduced alot! so somehow that juice is working. And freaking Ms Swan is all "no, no give him juice without askin Dr" and i tell her "its just a fruit, no weird ingredients, or sugar, pure fruit that helps good cells grow" and she's all "No, im gonna tell dotor cuz u cannot give him noning" I swear i wanted to slap her. Then she tells some asian dr. about it but of course if he hears it from the freak nurse, he's gonna agree with her so the dude comes to me and says "the nurse told me ur overdosing ur bro with ur own medicine" and i told him "HAHA its just natural juice, and he's had it 4 days already, she freaks out now cuz she found out now, the other nurses said it was fine" and asian Dr gets all "well i dont know what it is, but i recommend u STOP IT!" so of course i said ok but im not gonna stop. Fuck those doctors, I'm not gonna give my own bro something bad for him. Plus I asked other doctors about it cuz they know the stuff it has and they said it was all good. specially for cancer patients...fucking asian old fart lady nurse...
My lil cousin cried last night, he's 14 or 15 (George), always looked up to Jeff.I guess it hit him when he went to visit and Jeff asked "who's that dude", sucks when a loved one doesn't recognize you :(...Anyway...here's some pics from xmas..now that we remember Jeff was complaining about a headache that night if we only knew...
me and my bro in this next pic, I look like a ghost. this was like 2 weeks before it all went to hell, it was after new years... crazy how life changes in just one day. One day you have a headache, the next u have a tube in your head, and the next u have cancer. Sometimes life throws some fucked up surprises
Saturday Feb 4th 2006:
I am just amazed at how freaking unfair life is...my gramma went to visit Jeff today and I just realized... it's possible that her and my grampa might attend to their grandchild's funeral before he goes to theirs.. my grampa is kind of mean, he makes my gramma cry a lot and he hates everyone, no one can visit him, he can't even be at one of those places for old people cuz he yells at the nurses and bites them lol. Violent lil mofo, so he lives at home with gramma and he's so healthy, its just a bit unfair. I mean he turned 98 right after xmas...he's almost a freaking century and he's not even close to leaving us anytime soon...but my bro who hasn't turned 30 yet ..is going through this shit. Well I guess if the world was fair, all criminals would have cancer instead of children, only thiefs would get robbed and I would be taller...but we gotta live with what the world throws at us..sometimes its just a really hard ball to catch
Tonight my friend Jon took me to the Coldplay concert...I was glad to get my mind off stuff at least for a night (thanks buddy!), and then Fiona Apple opens up for them and I remembered my brother liking that chick, for a second I completely forgot about everything and grabbed my phone, I start dialing, after dialing the area code i pause and think "wtf am i doing"... shit..i can't just call my bro at random times anymore...and it sucks how much those lil things i can't share with him are just starting to hit me, I miss him I cant wait till he comes out of this so I can call him and bug anytime about any stupid exciting thing I saw like I always did :(.
Is it just me or has this year so far been shitty for everyone?... I mean besides Jeff's situation, my dad's car broke down, my cousin's cat got ran over by some car last night (she has been crying for my bro since the beguinning and now her baby was spread on the street like a tortilla), my other cousin went to visit Jeff with a purple eye cuz he got beat up, 2 of my friends get they're car's broken into this week, my mom is getting less hours at work, I couldn't add the classes I needed and my car is this close (doing the thing with my fingers) from breaking down. If u've had something shitty happen this year please let me know so I know im not alone..is the world this mean?
Sunday Feb 5th:
So now my bro has some bacteria on his head :(, they have to fix that before they do that Shunt installation tuesday (shunt=tube inside) So my mom and I babysat my niece Kelly (Jeff's 3yr old cutie) the weekend. Here's a lil video of her, i told her lots of people are praying for her daddy and at the end of the video she thanks everyone on her own, shes so cute..oh and after that there's a lil video of her at the hospital but the camera died right before u see her climb on the bed. damn battery.
PS: I look like shit cuz i haven't slept, and i was babysitting so don't get scared, im just a lil drained.
Tuesday Feb 7th 2006:
Had my first bday without my brother :(,even though my friends and family were there for me, I still cried, its just weird not having him there saying "Oh shit its your birthday?" cuz he always forgot LOL but then he'd run to the store and get me a last minute gift, and no matter what it was, I was happy cuz it was the thought that counts and he'd go to the trouble of getting something and drawing me a handmade card. (his drawings are better than the damn cards at the store) I just miss having him here, giving me my bday hug. It was his gf's bday too, same day, we're both born feb 6th. .2 of the people Jeff loves the most. She's having a tough time also of course. Im just hoping that he makes it to HIS bday March 22nd. His big 30th. Today they put that Shunt in him, I'm gonna go to the hospital right now, see whats up...oh last night my mom and I got laugh attacks because she lost her job....we laugh at tragedy sometimes, I guess laughter is what's left when u have no more tears.
Thursday Feb 9th:
I SWEAR!!! some doctors are fucking RETARDED!! yesterday they ask my bro the date, he says oct 2005, they ask where he's at, he has no idea, and he doesnt know why, so they remind him he has cancer every day and depress him, how stupid are they! its better if he doesnt know and his spirits are up all the time, he's always happy and then they ruin it!..anyways that's the small reason of why they're stupid, now the big reason. ..its fucking obvious he can't think straight and then the Dr asks (stupid girl doctor by the way) if he wants anastesia for this small procedure (taking the tube out from his forehead and stitching the hole) and Jeff says "nah, no thanks" having no idea what the hell they're asking him, so of course i had no idea what was going on, I just see his curtains closed when i got to the hospital and they wouldn't let me in for 20 mins (if i would've gotten there a lil sooner, i would've talked to the Dr and she would've asked me instead of him dammit) so they finally let me in, Jeff is full of tears looking straight up saying like in a whispering voice "fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck" holding his head with both hands, so i ask the nurse "wth just happened! whats wrong with him?" and he sais "oh the Dr. just left, she took the tube out and stitched him" and im like "is it normal that it hurts so much?" and he sais "yeah, ur brother is in a lot of pain right now, and its gonna last bout 40 mins, but we asked if he wanted anastesia and he said no" so i just went off on the nurse..i wish it was the Dr tho cuz talking to nurses is like talking to the wall. It reminded me of a shot soldier from Saving pvt Ryan, u know like in those scenes where the guy gets shot and he's looking straight up with watery eyes trying to talk but he can't, and it looks like he's pushing or holding on to something really strong, face gets all red, some more tears come out and finally the soldier dies. Well...that's what it looked like, except insteadof dying, the pain was fading away slowly. The longest half hour of our lives.He couldn't even look at me, and he was in the Army 4 years, He knows pain, he never cries, it must've hurt like a bitch! 40 minutes later hes like "omg sister, it still hurts really bad but shit! at least i can talk now" my poor brother...every day at the hospital he gets a lil more torture, mostly from stupidity which is what pisses me off :(.
Saturday Feb 11th:
My bro's gf told me that they decresed the use of this medicine that's for inflamation the days i was giving him that juice, but since i stopped they started giving him more of that medicine again...which means, that juice thing is working cuz it reduced inflamation I've been sneaking it in hehe. Jeff is trying to draw with his left hand since he still can't move his right side. Hopefully it comes back to him, or he just has to learn perfect lefty skills to be able to tattoo again. They start chemo soon, they still haven't. At least it's still stage 3 and it hasn't grown to 4 so thats good. I made him a mixed cd with some portishead cuz he loves that girl, and when i put the headphones on him and my mom was talking, he just stared at her and started singing, which is funny cuz portishead is a girly girl's voice so he was doing his gay singing, kinda like Stevie Wonder sort of voice.
He is trying to draw with his left hand now that his right side doesnt work as well, i think he's doing a hell of a job.
Sunday feb12th 2006:
Sister and I laughing our asses off playing on the elevators...
I know I know, we're not 12...shit I mean 6, cuz 12 yr olds don't do that, but trust me, after going to the hospital for a month, and visiting every floor and every room, you kinda run out of things to do. Jeff says the funniest things but his mind does work better, cuz he notices when he says something wrong like for ex: I asked him names of bands he likes to make him another cd, and he said "oh ok ok, I like..hmm.. watermelon..( we all stare at eachother), wtf?... did I just say watermelon?" and he laughed. Then he said "shit thats not what I wanted to say..I meant...the big..that big..big plumber" and he puts his hand to his face and goes "oh shit, I'm screwed" so it was funny to see how he can't say what he thinks but he noticed it I guess thats a good sign cuz a few days back he didn't notice. They start chemo either the 23rd or 26th. they still havent put that Shunt in him.
Here's my sister Janneth with him
Thursday Feb 16:
WOW...i really think that juice is working, or else the doctors are just retarded and completely diagnosed my bro with the wrong shit. Last night the Dr told my mom that my brothers tumor is not an Astrocytoma but its a Oligodadroglioma (damn thats a hard one to spell) and that it's actually Slow growth. (compared to the astrocytoma one that grows really fast) but the first weeks they told us it was growing fast and we could see it in Jeff cuz the more it grew, the more retarded he'd get. Since I started sneaking that juice in, he speaks with more sense now, and when he says something that doesn't make sense, he notices. He was trying to explain me something last night and he was all "awe forget it, it wont come out right" so thats a good sign. Its funny cuz that juice thing is supposed to slow the growth. I can't believe the dr's completely changed their diagnosis. Wow. yay my witchcraft is working lol. Now if i could only shrink the damn tumor.. then I'll be happy
Saturday feb 18th:
They did this test where they took out some spine liquid cuz my brother has an infection and that's how they test it. I guess they cant start chemo till his infection is gone. He's still with bad memory, usually he remembers his family but my sister asked "who gave u that squishy ball to exercise ur hand?" and Jeff said "this nice girl that's been helping me out since the beguining" and my sister said "that's Jenny...your sister" and he was all "oh yeah".
Here's an unfinished drawing he's doing with his left again. he's never used his left so its still a bit awkward. but he's getting better at it
He's playing air guitar, I made him a heavy metal mixed cd. He said "best gift ever" hehe
Thursday Feb 23rd:
My bro has his own room now, they took him out from the ICU (intensive care unit) cuz he doesn't need extra attention they havent started chemo yet and hes getting a lil better (must be my natural remedies i've been giving him woo hoo) he has a lil tv and everything (jeff's gf rocks! she got a portable dvd and bunch of movies). Jeff can't lie anymore lol, he's like a kid, he can't think complicated so he can't lie, which requires thinking, he says exactly what's on his mind, its scary, like he saw this old lady friend of the family and he called her "narisona", it means "big nose" which she had lol and one of his "big" friends came today and he asked Jeff if he remembered his name and he said "Ham" so he's just a lil to blunt right now. Kinda funny
Friday Feb 24th:
I got to the hospital and it was so sweet to see Kelly tucked in bed with her daddy. Jeff said as soon as she walked in she went and climbed on top. Poor thing, hasn't hung out with Jeff in over a month now. A friend let me borrow Jackass and i swear i haven't seen Jeff laugh out loud in so long, i mean he's smiled and giggled but never laughed his ass off since this whole thing happened. It was funny cuz he cant move his right side so his smile is really crooked hehe so cute. He starts Radiation theraphy march 8th.
His hair is growing back quick too. Almost has a full head now
Monday Feb 27th:
Hmmm things are getting a lil out of hand. My bro left me a voice mail (borrowed his gf's cell) and he says "JENNY! I wanna get out of here! another day in this jail! I WANT TO GO HOME!, oh and bring a screwdriver" so I went and took a lil screwdriver to fix his glasses. Jeff took his robe off, and in nothing but his boxers he limps to the door and says "ok lets go, if u dont take me home, ill take myself but it's gonna be harder cuz I don't remember where I parked" which of course he never drove there, his car is here at my house. So his gf and I made him sit down, we called the Dr so he could tell him himself why he can't leave yet. And the Dr said, he has to be there another week, and march 8th they start radiation every day for 6 weeks and after that he goes to a rehab place where they do theraphy so he moves his right side. So it sucked cuz he has to be there for like another month and then some. Jeff was sooo pissed, cuz he can't talk but he can think, he knows he can't say the right stuff but its getting to him, I asked him what movies he wanted me to take and he was all "oh oh bring that funny one..that one..hmm ...(grabs his head) that one! FUCK! i can see it but i cant get the name out..FUCK!" and that's all he said. Not a good day today, he's getting ansy, I dont know how he's gonna stand another week, he was all "i got so many tattoos that were undone and i gotta finish, and I'm doing nothing here and and...AAAHHH" and we layed him in bed again. God I wish I could just bring him home. but they said we cant Oh he decided to take a shower all alone, since he has his own bathroom now, he got naked, walked to the bathroom, closed the door. Of course there is no shower but he saw a cup, filled it in the sink and 3 hours later...he was done showering himself standing in the bathroom, completely soaking the room. I gotta take him some more funny movies to change his mood. Nothing will take away his frustration but at least it will help. It really sucked to see his eyes all watery and he just mumbled "I wanna go home" crazy how life just changed in one night, I mean..shit, we were going to Disney but instead ended up in the ER and a month and a half later.. we're still there... aahhh this sucks!
Saturday March 4th:
A few days ago I took Jeff a bunch of movies my friends let me borrow and he finished watching them and as soon as he saw me, he was all "u bring more movies?" and im out! so if any of u want to contribute, let me know, ill borrow them just a few days...shit if i was renting them, id be broker than...i already am. We laughed our asses off watching "stuck on you" I never saw that. Here's a pic of Jeff and Kelly watching tv.
They start radiation soon...im so scared..what are the symptoms? no idea.. what if they mess him up more..or his right side that finally is starting to move gets worse...or his speech :(. i hope he doesnt get sick, side effects of that shit might be though. Last night he spoke with my cousin on the phone and he was all "no dude, i dont have any pain, but my left side hurts" and then he was "no no, im ok, uh huh..yeah..im fucked up" so he contradicts himself alot.
I noticed Kelly is a little resentful with him, sometimes she hits him, she doesn't say anything but she's mad that her dad doesn't come home.. whenever they say goodbye she hugs him and kisses him like 10 times before finally letting go, and my bro stays all sad. A few nights ago she punched him, then she hugged him and gave him a kiss, then she whispered "fuck"...(yes yes, she has cursed since she was born, and she knows its bad, so she whispers it now.), then she'll hit him again, and look down pouting, then she'll grab whatever she thinks it's medicine and says "here daddy, take ur medicine". It's so weird to see how kids show exactly how they feel, I mean...adults can be sad or mad but they hold it and pretend its alright, but Kelly, you can see it in her actions, in her eyes, sometimes you can tell she wants to cry but since theres no reason to, she'll let it out with the smallest thing, like if we dont give her a lollypop she will cry like someone died. All her sadness gets out when u least expect it, or if she has no reason to cry but u can just tell shes sad when she cant take her dad home...she will act really disrespectful and mad and hit people and then she leaves the room..I think in a way it makes it easier for her to leave if Jeff is mad at her. She shows exactly what she feels. Reminded me of that scene in "I AM SAM" when Sam visited the lil girl and she hit him cuz he didn't visit her, while she yelled "U forgot me! didnt u! u forgot me! i hate u!" but it was cuz she loved him so much. Kinda the same deal here. Sucks to see it in real life though.
Tuesday March 7th:
Turns out my bro has already been receiving Radiation for like 3 days already and no one knew! not even him! doctors dont tell us anything..god! they said he's getting better and he has to be there for another month and a half. time sucks, how boring to be in the same room for a month, i mean i get crazy being in the same house for a day, imagine in a room, no kitchen or living room or anything, just a room with a bed...where he has been for almost 2 months already and now...another month and more...grrr i gotta find more stuff to entertain him with. today i filed down my finger in class so im all crippled (thanks for the nickname B-man) and it's harder to drive...dammit.
Friday March 10th:
So I see no difference now that they started the radiation, I'm guessing he's getting better but we can't see it right away, glad to see theres no side effects, well except his losing his appetite. I took a pic of him while he was drawing and changing the channels. He can draw with his left better and better but he still doesn't exercise his right hand, he just left it for dead. I keep telling him he has to make it work again but i think he thinks its useless and he gave it up so he just wants to learn it all with his left. I dont mind if he does but I want to make him move his right side again. He still says things that make no sense like today he said "damn this sweater I'm wearing stinks! but I like it cuz it can connect to the internet". Or when we asked him about his radiation and he said "yeah i dont like radiation, i want to go to another college". funny shit. aaggrr.. this is taking long, get better already bro!!
Weds March 15th:
So looks like the radiation is going well, no drastic changes today except he felt a little sick, he doesn't eat to well and he was having nauseas. His right side moves like in slow motion. In other news the tip of my finger is growing back. I need more funny movies to borrow. That's all...i know.. nothing exciting or dramatic has happened in the last weeks. Recovering is such a bitch, i want him to be done and out and visiting me again!!.
Here's a pic of me making sure my brother's food wasn't poisoned LOL.
Monday March 20th:
OK haven't had a crying day in a while but ...fuck! today was the day, I knew sooner or later the side effects of the radiation and chemo were gonna show up. I visited my bro, took him some funny movies, he was very drowsy, didn't noticeI was there for a while, then he saw me and said he just had the treatment done, he said "feel it" and i touched his head....the left side was burning and the right side was cold, it was weird. Then he sits up...and i see his pillow... i was a lil shocked...it had some hairs, like he just got a haircut or something, so I went "whoa, what the hell happened" and he looked at his pillow in awe...then he grabs his hair and easily starts pulling it off and says "oh fuck! look Jenny, im going bald...what the hell is happening to me!" I told him to stop pulling it cuz he's gonna have bald spots and its just side effects from the therapy. Tomorrow we have to shave his head for sure, no hair at all is less shocking than seeing it fall off. He looked so damn sad, I'm gonna have that image forever... him looking at his hair in his palm and doing the crooked smile while holding his tears..I could see it in his eyes so I told him its normal, it means its killing the tumor also, not just hair cells and he said "i know I know ::sigh::" Then he asked me the date and I said "the 20th" and he said oh cool...2 more days and he went back to sleep. SHIT! 2 more days... he remembered! the 22nd is his birthday, he turns 30 (although he still acts like a 17 yr old hehe) I gotta get him something tomorrow... and it has to be something good.. the gift of a lifetime... as I was thinking of that, I said goodbye to him with a smile, and walked to my car. I sit in my car, take a deep breath...and as soon as i turn the keys, it started pouring and so did I..... heh the weather man was right...wet days ahead....who knew he was talking about my cheeks.
A few days later...(he's getting used to it)
Thursday March 23rd 2006:
So my bro turned 30 last night, it was crazy...the whole family filled up his room so much that they kicked us out to a "conference room" haha, they gave us our own room lol. Jeff was soooo happy about his card. I found his friends from Ecuador, ones in NY, NJ, washington, etc. he had a lil gang of friends when he was a kid, they were like 15 dudes, they all knew eachother since they were 12 until 19 when jeff came to the US. so anyways all of them wrote to him, he was surprised as heck and he was happy to read a bunch of strangers to him cared so much. My friends rule...YOU guys rule! well here are some pics. Jeff's hair was so bad that my cousin who's a barber took his shaver machine and shaved his head. I wanna thank all my cousins who were there...its so cool to see how family is always there for us. I love it jeff has a few weeks left of treatment and then he goes to rehabilitation for his mind and right side. PS: there were 4 cakes last night! woo hooo...
Thats Jeff, sister Janneth, me and half bro Jimmy.
Jeff tried to read the card and he starts laughing and says "i cant see shit!, its all blurry" so I had to read it to him. My cousin got him a magnifying glass so now he'll read easier.
Heres video, what ur gonna see first is him blowing his 1st cake,wishing his voice comes back (of course he meant hair), then he says eyes too lol. then ull see my dad's gift, then jeff's dancing all by himself, he says "asi que sea mi fiesta" meaning "this is my party", then ull see him blowing his 2nd cake, he got 4 but we just sang twice lol. And last but not least..he thanks everyone from ecuador (spanish) and everyone here (in english), and again he's not 100 percent logical so he says something about the emails expiring, but he laughs cuz he notices when he says something wrong. He's a little slow right now. What he meant was that he's very grateful even though he can't really say it, and so am I
oh and here's something weird, a woman in the room to his right DIED when we got there, and there was so much commotion, all the family members crying, lots of doctors and nurses everywhere..i saw them puttin her hands on her chest and covering her with a sheet. THEN about 20 mins later the man on the room to his left died too and they called his family, so it was weird singing happy birthday and celebrating, while 2 families (about 25 people) were just crying they're hearts out. AND THEN they took my brothers roomate (this old man) to the ER, im gonna visit him tomorrow to see what happened... if that man died too, then ill sure believe my bro is lucky. Everyone around him decided to leave this world the day he was born....how sad..and strange.
Monday march 27th 2006:
Jeff gets out of the hospital Weds woo hooo!!! they don't need to do chemotheraphy (or install that shunt) cuz the tumor "strangely" isn't growing anymore so after his radiation theraphy is done, then he's done for good well i hope they're right, can't trust doctors these days. Jeff was so excited. then we gotta take him every other day to get the treatment finished, he still has a couple weeks of radiation left but he can come home weds and take a shuttle to the hospital yay!
Saturday April 1st:
Jeff has been home for 4 days now..yay! i took him to get his radiation done yesterday, it was cool to have him in my car again saying "change ur gay music" hehe i missed it. He sees pretty blurry so he couldn't read this blog, he wanted to read it, but he just saw the pics for now, he was confused, but also amazed. Specially after seeing the response from all of you, he was all "omg all those people read this whole thing? woooow" after a week and a half of radiation, he goes into the rehab theraphy to start thinking straight again and moving. What a long journey this has been...its almost over though ..whew!.
Sunday April 09:
Just a week or a few days left of radiation and he starts the rehab. I cant wait, he's still a little nonsense talking, like yesterday he asked me "did the neighboors help u yet?" and I said "help me with what?" and he said "record your music" lol. hopefully he comes back completely. We shave his head often cuz it only grows in the back, the whole front is all "radiated", he sleeps most of the time, ill take him somewhere tonight, he hasn't been out in a long time.
Monday April 17th:
Jeff is living back home now, with his gf and daughter. Hes done with the radiation, now he starts the rehab soon. He's still a lil slow sometimes but can hold half a conversation..woo hooo.. Your prayers have really worked, his tumor was growing fast and one of the hardest ones to treat. And now, 3 months later, its not even there...crazy huh? Thank you all again, this blog will end when all his treatments end. I know he'll be back to normal, its just taking time...grrrrr....
My little cousin George got a tattoo from him now, even though he can barely move his hand and it shakes like hell, he wanted to have something done by him.
Sunday April 30th:
Jeff has a lil difficulty making sentences but most of what he says makes sense now and when he doesn't make sense he knows it. He was trying to brake dance the other day, doing the wave thing from one arm to the other and it was funny cuz when he got to his right arm the wave moved in slow motion lol. I really hope he moves normal again, now that the tumor is gone and his radiation is done, im afraid this is the best he'll get. How is he gonna get better if theres nothing else to do? I guess we just have to wait.
Friday May 12th:
Jeff's getting better, he drove the other day, we were scared and told him not to but he called my cell and left a message and it said "sister! just wanted to say im driving around venice and it FEELS GOOD! hehe" then he hung up and my mom and I almost had a heart attack cuz he can't move his right side to much and he sees all blurry to the left so I was praying for those poor pedestrians that cross his way hahahaha. His hair isn't growing back yet, damn, how long will that take? will it even grow back? since it wasn't chemo what he had but radiation, it looks all burnt, i wonder if burnt grows back... Oh yeah he has a tummy now, i think because he had the tumor before somehow he couldn't gain weight, but not for the first time in 30 years, he's actually gaining weight. Its weird. Maybe i have something too cuz i've tried gaining a pound since I was 12 and still can't LOL. I did a very smart analization and realized all the junk food I eat goes to my toes and evaporates out my toenails... I'm a genius Here he is with my cousin Shirley
Thursday May 18th:
So my brother decided to drive, I mean we can't watch him 24/7. He's back at his house now and when his gf goes to work he's home alone..and guess what, he took the car out and boom! he crashed! he's ok but carless now...grrrr he's so stubborn, its hard when u were once prefectly normal and one day cant move ur right side. I guess hes frustrated and tried to ignore it. Damn tumor.
Sunday June 4th:
So Jeff is gonna start language theraphy soon, maybe his right side movement too. He's doing good, just a lil slow understanding things and still has a very short term memory, always asks the same things twice or more. But he's alive and enjoying summer
Weds June 7th:
Jeff had an appointment today and the Doc said he needs to start chemotheraphy :(, this sucks! i thought he was done with treatments and all he needed was the rehab for his movement, but the doctor said if he cant move right or talk right its cuz he still needs chemo...hes gonna get all skinny and puke his guts out when that shit starts AAAHHH. im scared
Sunday July 2nd:
I guess my bro doesn't need chemo or anything, god those doctors flip flop, they said all he needs is rehab for his movement. We went to watch superman the other day, at the end Jeff says "lets take that exit over there" so we go and end up on the back side of the mall that looked like a secret lonely hallway, and it was like a maze, took us a while to find the real exit, then we finally find a door just to see it was a door to this set of stairs that looked soooo creepy, made of cement or something and we just went for it and escaped the movie theatre after 20 mins of wandering around in the underground secret exits lol
Im just writing about this cuz I've never seen my bro laugh so much, every time we opened a door we were loster (that a word?) and he had a laugh attack, and i had to pee and we couldn't find the exit and he laughed more...awee good times i still miss my old bro, the one that made me laugh with his crazy stories, but i guess having a crazy bro is just as cool LOL.
Saturday July 8th 2006:
So bad news...my brother crashed yesterday....AGAIN! he's sooo stubborn it sucks! we tell him he can't drive, he stumbles when walking, he's half blind and half slow motion and still...he gets in his van and BOOM again!. It's the 2nd time he tries to drive and the 2nd time he hits a parked car. The lady came out mad and now they have to figure out how much he owes. He's broke as a joke and on top of that he has to pay. I keep telling him, it could've been a kid and there's a reason why they call it "disabled" and he has to accept it.
I know he hates it, he hates that he can't do a simple thing like going to the store to buy a sandwich. But he has to see reality and just learn to live with this new lifestyle. Im gonna buy him a bicycle as soon as i get my 3rd paycheck (im using the 1st and 2nd one to remove my damn wisdom teeth....i just hope i dont lose my wisdom with it). I wish i could afford an electric one so he can go further. But a regular bike will do for now. Im gonna have to give him the "You're lucky to be alive but don't push it" speech.
Thursday july 27th:
So i guess this is the last entry, cuz my bro hasn't changed in a few months. Lets just say he's getting better lil by lil, he couldn't move his right side before but he did 10 push ups yesterday so he's getting stronger...like King kong lol
Me, Jeff and my bf went to Universal Studios sunday and let me tell ya, it was great! Jeff got lost a few times hehe, he was a lil sad that he couldn't whistle like he used to and we could hear him a mile away. Since his smile is still a lil crooked it was hard. I gotta say its a good ending for this story, not perfect....but really good, he turned out from a cancerous brain tumor way better than expected. So here are a few pics to share with you guys Jeff is back, not completely but the funny, smartass guy we all once knew is still with us .. wooo hooo
How crazy, I remember once telling him at the hospital he looked like frankenstein...now he's far from it
|Posted by jennysita on September 18, 2009 at 2:10 AM||comments (1)|
DAMN TUMOR IS BACK!! I swear this is like a sequel to a bad bad movie. The Doctors said if he doesn't get surgery he has 2 years left, and if he does get surgery, there's a chance he might be left brain dead or invalid...and some other crap that i just cant even think about because THIS SUCKS!! What's weird is that Jeff feels fine, no headaches, he gets his words almost perfect every time now, sometimes i forget he even had a surgery in the first place. So its really gonna kill me if they F***em up after the 2nd surgery. My mom couldn't take it, she was crying all night just imagining the worse.
He's doing so well :(. I guess this time we're prepared for the hospital torture, im gonna get some of that noni juice ready, and movies since he stays hospitalized for like 3 months. Kelly is so close to Jeff, even more than before. He stays home with her all day now since he can't work. He's been with his daughter 24/7 and she's so close to her daddy...AAHH this sucks ASS! he's gonna be at the hospital again!!...grrr i cant believe this SHIT!!! AAAAHHHHH!! Fu*** SH**^&*$!$£$& AAAHHH!!!
Thursday August 31st:
I thought my bro didn't really know what was going on. He's so positive about it, which is great! But the neighboor saw him today and said "hey Jeff, how you feeling" and Jeff said "im feeling good man, but i need another surgery cuz the tumor is there again" and the neighboor was all "what? ah that sucks, but you'll be alright" and Jeff said "yeah but im afraid I wont wake up you know?" and that freaked me out cuz i didn't know he was scared. I didn't even think Jeff thought about what would happen if he didn't wake up. I don't want him to be scared. I don't want to be scared. He can have normal conversations now, he barely messes up. If the doctors leave him worse im gonna be so pissed!!!
Saturday September 2nd:
Tomorrow we're having a family reunion, Jeff has always wanted to see everyone together, im thinking this is an ice braker so after Jeff recovers we'll have many more reunions and it wont be awkward anymore.. All thanks to my bro. He's at the movies with my dad now, everything seems so normal i hope it stays the same way or gets better... I cant imagine him worse.
Sunday Sept 3rd 2006: Family Day:
We decided to throw a party and invite everyone, of course only the ones that care came. Jeff was so happy here are a few pics. It was at this park where they had a reggae concert afterwards, and after that we brought the party to my house lol, long day
A couple family pics:
Jeff and his best friends since Ecuador (Liz and Tati):
And a family pic:
With my dad at the front.
My sister, me and my bro
There was a concert at the park where we did the picnic, jeff loved it.
That's all the pics I got, I was mostly filming the whole time. Everyone wished Jeff good luck and I think he has it, with all that love who needs luck!. My mom and I decided we wont let him have surgery till we get scans again at some other place...so we'll see what happens. I just know the 5th there's no surgery, im kidnapping my brother! Thanks to everyone that showed up, I love you guys
After the park we went to my house and he sang with a spoon lol
Thursday September 14th:
A whole new problem appeared wednesday, Jeff started puking all day, and said he could not hold this sharp pain he had on his back, he started crying from the pain, it was unbereable, and my mom took him to the ER. He had a KIDNEY STONE!. What sucks is the doctors just gave him painkillers and said it will "eventually" come out and sent him home, well its Thursday today, well its 1am so its already friday, and 2 minutes ago he got up to keep puking, its been 2 days, the pain hasn't gone away, jeff is weak and yellow, he's so sick, he hasn't eaten anything! he keeps throwing up even though he has nothing to puke anymore, this is hell! if tomorrow he doesn't pee the lil shit out im taking him to the ER again, and if the doctors give me the same BS im gonna stab them in the eye with they're pocket pen. Goodnight.
He finished this painting. he loves creepy stuff, he says thats what it feels inside his head.
Sunday dec 10th 2006:
So its almost xmas, tomorrow we have an appointment with supposedly the best doctor in the world about tumor medicine. the Dr's said they definetly will NOt have a second surgery cuz he would be in a comma for sure. So tomorrow we take some scans to that new Dr and he will study the case. i guess i wont have news until next year.
Tuesday Dec 14th:
My bro started chemo last night, so far no side effects. Those capsules are so strong theres millions of warnings saying "if u accidentaly take 2 call ur doctor immediately" or "if u forget to take a dose call ur doctor immediately" or "if u accidentaly brake a capsule and sniff the contents or touch ur eyes with it or smell it..call ur doctor immediately" so im like "hell! these capsules are like antrax", i guess they're mini nuclear bombs exploding inside his head, and it nucks everything even good cells. hopefully he's not left retarded after this. its a 5 day treatment, then they scan him again to see what it did.. we'll see.
Sunday dec 17th:
Last day of chemo, all good, no symptoms, either he has no tumor or the pills are bullshit OR they're extremely well.. heres a pic of jeff's side effects lol. we went to a party and he was playing the Wii. a boxing game, it was awesome. ill keep updating later. this was like the chemo test. later they give him more.
Monday jan 8th 2007:
Today he gets new scans done to see if the quimo worked.. we're crossing our fingers.
He got the scans, tumor is bigger. looks like an egg but with tentacles this time, like its growing and grabbing on to whatever is next to it. he starts chemo tomorrow or the day after, stronger pills. We're crossing our fingers it works
Weds Jan 31st:
Went to the ER today cuz Jeff puked all day Sunday and then once tuesday and then again today but with a strong headache today that he called Liz (gf) crying..he never cries. They did some MRI scans again and the tumor is bigger. 10% bigger than it was a MONTH! ago. It's been growing milimmeters all this time and all of a sudden, 10% in just a month exactly when he started chemo.. Now im thinking chemo did it, could it be? shit! maybe its a bussiness and doctors get something out of it, or maybe Tumors just decide to one day have a growth spurt, i knew if he had no side effects that it wasn't a good sign, it meant it didn't work. Probly killed just good cells and no bad ones.
And another surprise. with the scan they did a month ago, actually its less, it was jan 8th. anyways...with that scan they saw this small white dot on the scan. (tumors are shown white) and with the scan today, that white dot was bigger so they said he might have another tumor. What does might mean? its not might! its a fucken abnomal growth of cells again!!. this is a nightmare. they see him next week to figure out a new plan.
Sunday Feb 4th:
My bro has been hallucinating. He saw butterflies in front of him the other day and then bushes coming towards him and then a boat parked next to my car when i was in an empty parking lot. all from his right side. Tomorrow he has an apptmt, we'll see what the doctors say.
Thursday March 8th 2007:
Jeff gets new MRI's the 21st.. but i already know the results.. the chemo didn't work, i know this because his speech is worse.. he pees like 5 times at night (which is caused by the tumor pressing on some part that makes us pee..the dr said).. , his right side moves much slower and he shakes all the time even when its hot, he's skinnier, has the dark undereye circles really bad :(, and he looks depressed.. he's never depressed.. he's always laughing and happy but this week he just sleeps and gets frustrated that he can no longer drive or work. he's unhappy right now.
Yesterday my mom was crying while she was cooking, I saw her, she said "I cant believe I can lose my son... I pray to god he takes me instead" and she cried even more.. I just told her no matter what happens its destiny and she has to be strong..I cant lie like before and say "dont worry mom he'll be fine" cuz I'm not sure myself. Maybe Jeff was supposed to leave us a year ago in that hospital and this whole time we've just been messing with God's will.. thats how i try to think so that i dont die of pain cuz i really can't find an explanation for this. I really really wish that tumor..actually... tumor'S now would go away. :(.
My dad came to visit today.. went to the bathroom and started crying like a baby.. i dont know what to do.. nothing has changed, no scans no symptoms but out of nowhere both my parents are freaking out.. so im scared cuz parents have the 6th sense.. that bad feeling intuition. I don't know whats up with them this week.
Weds march 21st:
So, had the MRI scans today.. and of course.. bad news the tumor is bigger, there are 2, and one has spread over the cervical whatever! its going down his neck. the doctors said he has a chance of staying invalid after some time.. as we all know, the back or spine is what makes us walk. Mom's crying, Jeff's crying, his gf is crying...they're gonna try another new chemo.. i dont know what to expect. Kelly told my mom "daddy is gonna go soon" of course we dont like that because kelly is kinda psychic sometimes. She's sad. keeps saying she's saving up money to buy him a new doctor...so far she has $4 bucks she said. Im gonna find out everything i can about cancer and buy more natural meds... Jeff is doing bad.. he couldn't answer one single question today, he was lost. didnt know his birthdate, didnt know what day it was, he just doesnt know anything anymore :(. Its his bday tomorrow and i will make sure that he remembers it. night everyone.
JEFFS 31st BIRTHDAY
Monday April 16 2007:
Jeff started a new chemo, its intravenous so no pills this time, he just has to sit for an hour with an IV in his veins. I think this one will work since it hurt him and the other ones didnt have any side effects. He's not ok, hes weaker, needs help getting up, walking, going up and down stairs, he's blinder and he lost so much weight. He's 109 lbs. has these rashes inside his mouth on his cheeks cuz he takes 2 to 3 hours to eat a sandwich or any meal. We're just making him soups and soft foods cuz he can't chew that well. I dont know what to expect. he's pale, thin, weak and slow, its like im watching him die slowly, little by little he looks more skeletical than ever and it sucks! i feel like im losing him and i cant stop it. I took him to get accupuncture done and bought a bunch of vitamins and natural herb pills. I think its gonna help him. im gonna go make some soup now. later.
May 13th 2007:
yay!! good news!! jeffs tumor shurnk! the new chemo is working, is this intravenous type and apparently both the tumors shrunk alot! i hope he starts eating faster and being more alert cuz i tell ya... he's super slow and weak.. oh i hope he recovers! my mom called me crying cuz its a miracle! it really is!
June 17th 2007:
Jeff is so weak, he trembles to stand up and walk, he hits walls cuz he's blinder and he really has no strenght in his right side, he drops everything. The chemo is really messing up his skin, his cheeks are puffy but his body skinnier, he was 109 lbs. about 3 weeks ago, im sure hes 100 now. he used to be 135 to 140 before. I duno whats happening.. the other day i found him in the kitchen with his pants down about to pee in the trash can and i said: "Jeff! what are u doing?" and he realized he was doing something wrong and went to the bathroom. He can't communicate, no words come out with sense. This is such a rollercoaster. He doesn't really smile at all for a few weeks now, he doesnt laugh, not even with super funny stuff..he doesn't get it so he cant laugh. I found my mom crying in the kitchen while cooking and she said she found jeff in the bathtub trying to shower, but never figured out how the hot water works so he was purple from cold.. and sitting in the tub not being able to get out, shivering like a leaf. She carried him out, she said his legs are pure bones, no meat, it shocked her so much. (we've never seen him naked ya know?) he wore shorts yesterday and i closed my door and went to the room to breathe cuz his legs are half of mine. he eats but doesnt gain weight. I dont know what to do..his legs can't hold his weight, thats why he falls when walking and can't stand up unless we help.
Today i said Happy Fathers day to him and he was all "whos a dad? im not" I really hope he doesn't forget his daughter. Kelly came to visit and hugged him so hard, she misses her daddy.
Thursday June 28th 2007:
Bad news.. Jeff had a scan done today, the tumor grew. And its way more aggressive.. The chemo they were giving him was working (remember when I said the tumor shrunk?) well its like a live animal, it knew it was dying so it decided to get pissed, grow all over the place stronger and faster..Jeff is already weak, he fell at the hospital so they're giving him a wheelchair.
He pees on the couch, on the bed..etc..reality just hit me that he really is disabled. My mom feeds him, bathes him, takes him to the bathroom..its like having a baby all over again. He eats so slow hes 100lbs and he is simply depressed now. The doctors said he needs very strong chemo now...but he's so weak and half way on the other side that im gonna look into this alternative treatment called Ozone theraphy. A friend told me about it just yesterday (coincidence?) and i read about it, it sounds like a lot of people have gotten better. Cross your fingers everyone, we are out of alternatives
Monday July 2nd
I just read Jeff's report.. the dr wrote "the patients condition is irreversible/incurable so i guess no more chemo. Here's a pic of my mom feeding him. his cheeks are puffy from the pills. but if u see his legs..he's all bones he doesn't talk, walk or smile anymore.. all that since last saturday that i took him to the beach.. how is this tumor growing so much from day to day? every weekend its such a difference..whats next saturday gonna be like?
Here's him shaking while drinking juice and my mom ready to catch it.
My mom helps him get dressed and change
Here's a pic from July 4th. Jeff on his wheelchair.
Tuesday July 10 2007:
This is one of the worse updates I will ever write. Maybe one of the last entries on this long blog. I went with my mom to see Jeff's results yesterday. We we're expecting bad news?.but not as bad as he gave them to us.
Not only has the tumor grown? what was once an egg, was later an egg with arms and legs..then it got thin like a branch with more arms and legs. The scan yesterday looked like a tree?I asked the doctor "where is the tumor" and he said "its all the white stuff" the white stuff? You freaking kidding me!! The white stuff was everywhere. It did shrink about a month ago if you've been reading the blog?the tumor was a lil dot. But I guess that little dot spilled like coffee on a table. It looked like a hand with a million fingers grabbing onto his brain. Like a dry tree filled with branches and each branch has another one and each lil one had some more.
The chemo was so aggressive that the tumor decided to spread all over to survive. It's a war in there and the tumor has won. The doctor said his kind of tumor not only grows outside but inside, and around nerves, he said "this is something we have NEVER seen before" and my uncle who is a neurologist told my dad that kind of tumor was one in a million. A new chemo for that kind of tumor would be so strong, it would kill him sooner.
So what now? We asked?well he said, there aren't any more options so now prepare for the worse. He has less than 3 months!!.
At that point my mom started crying, I was just silent in awe trying not to cry so I can talk to the doctor? and Jeff with his stumbling sentences said "I wanna try that other thing" the doctor said "we do have another chemo, but its pills" and Jeff cant swallow pills anymore, he chews the tiny ones. So Jeff said "yes I can" and the doctor said "if I was you I would also like to fight to the end?.try it all?but this chemo we gave you was the best and strongest. If you want to try the pills you can, but there is no guarantee, it will just give you a few more days or weeks" then Jeff looked at the ground and said a whispering "shit".
So we just left the hospital, my mom and I think we wont do that other chemo, why? Dr said it wont work, and I rather see my brother happy his last days than sick and feeling like shit just to live an extra week. I cannot tell you the feeling I had when I saw my mom cooking and she said "Im gonna make him all his favorite foods?and Im gonna take him to see all?" and then she started crying. Jeff was all "what's wrong" and I told him it was nothing, the onions she was cutting. His memory is so bad that I think he forgot what the doctor told him as soon as we arrived home, which is good, I don't want him depressed. He never wanted to give up. He kept asking my dad to teach him to drive again, he told me to clean his tattoo gun cuz he has a lot of unfinished tatts. He wasn't ready for this.
The tumor is eating his nerves.. so the worse is coming. He already pees on himself so they gave us diapers. Slowly he will stop eating and the Dr said we can give him an artificial machine. Then he will stop breathing so they'll have the oxygen machine ready.. Hes going to stop hearing, seeing and feeling and then he's a vegetable. How long after that? I don't know. Whenever his heart decides to stop.
I haven't lost my brother yet and I know im just a dreamer but I don't see him going. I just can't picture it. I see him at my graduation, at my wedding and when I make my first toy. I see him having another birthday, another Christmas and Halloween, I see him at kelly's sweet 16.
I went to my bf's house last night, I stayed in the car for about 20 mins crying before going up because I didn't want him to see. But then as soon as he opened the door and hugged me, I couldn't hold it, I can't imagine how much it will hurt my family and me to lose him..We can't. We just can't.
Im gonna buy all the natural remedies I can, even if it doesn't work or make him sick for a lil bit.. we got nothing to lose so I'm gonna try it all!. He's alive and I think while alive there's hope. The dr isn't god and its not up to him to tell my bro how long he has or doesn't have. That's all for now.
Thursday July 12, 2007:
I woke up sick today, couldn't go to work so I stayed home and made sure my brother is taking all these natural meds I got. It's hard, he wont drink anything if he doesnt like the taste so I force him.
Friday July 13th 2007:
Yesterday was a shoking day, I guess one of many to come. We had lots of visitors.. from the disability, from hospitals, from the social security, etc. They brought this orthopedic bed for jeff, along with some machines, oxigen, lots of morphine.
They made my mom cry, the things they asked "has he left a will?" how does he want to be buried? do you have any arrangements yet?. They told her they're there to help make his "transition" smooth. How is that helping? how can they go and talk about death like that in front of him. They said soon he wont eat, move, see, talk, that his arms and then his whole body is gonna hurt real bad, that he will have the most painfull headache ever and we can't call 911, that he might have seizures, etc...my mom was just crying a river and so they left the morphine there for him.
My room looks like a hospital. Im not giving up, I'm buying more natural meds. Jeffrey cried weds. I dont know if it was cuz he couldn't go see transformers and he really wants to (im taking him tonight!) or cuz it was what I call "the trigger" when you are so sad inside and then anything, any small thing just sets off the trigger. He cried as if he knew it could be the last movie he ever sees, he knew he wont be my concert/movie buddy soon, he knew we're all suffering. Or did he not now and just really wanted to go out? i dont know, he's mind is a bit lost. I was laying on his bed last night, and then i thought it could be my brothers death bed...it is. I can't think about it, its not gonna be, im buying more natural shit today. He threw up all last night, has the real hell started?
Kelly threw a tantrum sunday night, she didn't want to leave, she started crying and yelling "i wanna be with my DADDY!!! I want to STAY" please mommy just 5 more minutes" and wouldn't stop hugging him, she feeds him and tries to help him get up. That lil 4 year old is suffering so much, it's heartbreaking.
Update as of today..same day 6pm
Jeff hasnt awoken all morning, he was puking all night, my mom went to check on him to find him almost choking and cant even move. From now on we all sleep in the same room. He's been asleep all day, but hes not really sleeping cuz he touches his head and makes faces of pain. The nurse came to give him morphine, and he stopped moving. What if this is it? he wont wake up again. I got this tea that supposedly cures cancer today in the mail.. How can the timing be off by just a few hours? how am i supposed to give it to him. I have to wake him up i have to.Nurse said after a patient stops eating they have less than 2 weeks :'(
Satruday July 14th 2007:
Scariest thing happened, Jeff had a seizure ive never seen one. My mom either and she thought that was "it". Jeff suddenly started yelling AAAAHHH still unconcious. He couldn't breathe, he turned purple, his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he was stretched out and stiff like rigo mortis while shaking, my mom started screaming and crying and i told her "its ok its just a seizure, it'll last 2 minutes or less" and she got so nervous and dropped the pills and the morphine and put the oxigen machine on him but it wasn't plugged... A whole 5 minutes that i don't want to experience ever again He's still unconcious today, i slept on a chair next to him.. didnt really sleep. woke up at 3, 4, 5, and every 10 mins in between, he had pain all night. i gave him morphine and i was just talking to him. Well its almost 11 am and im gonna get some sleep.
Sunday July 15th 2007:
Im just gonna write one thing because it broke my heart when i heard it. My cousins came to visit him yesterday. Jeff woke up for a brief moment, one of them asked him what concerts he wanted to go to and what he wants to listen to (while i was putting pantera on and he kinda smiled) and she was all "c'mon Jeff what's your favorite band" and he said "why...im not..im not... gonna last" and she couldnt hold it but answered back that he is gonna last a long time and he shrugged his shoulders. He knows. I told him the medicines i got are working and that its all a state of mind and the minute he gives up he's giving up life. I told him "today you are a lot better than yesterday" and he looked at me like "well i dont feel any better". He had a fever all day and nausea... at least no seizures today thank god (well its 10am so not yet i mean). But since friday that he's been sleeping all day he's barely eaten anything or drank anything. Nurse said he's got a few days, not months... i think its bullshit. My Jus has been helping so much, i dont know what id do without him. thank you babe <3
I saw my brother depressed :(. that's a first.
Tuesday July 17th 2007:
I don't know what's going on but Jeff was so sick Friday and Saturday. I mean unconscious for 2 days along with a seizure that scared the life out of my mom..Saturday afternoon he woke up. He'd open his eyes a few times, especially cuz my cousins came to visit. Sunday he was a little more awake. But yesterday?he was SO awake it's like a miracle happening in front of us?or does the tumor come and go and we better get ready for him getting worse again? I don't know what to think. I just know he was awake yesterday, he was talking to us and making sense! And he moves more. If he starts getting better then I would really believe in Miracles.
But I feel its like a game sometimes, the whole year its been like this "tumor got bigger" then "tumor shrunk", then "tumor is big again" so I just don't know. I just know that he's been off regular medicine for a week and its all been natural stuff I've been giving him the few minutes he stayed awake?but since he's awake more, I give him more. So maybe?just maybe this time he's getting better and will stay better? I don't know. My parents already got their hopes up again so I really don't want to see them with a broken heart?AGAIN.
It was my boyfriend's birthday last night, we had a mini party with my family. I wish the circumstances would've been different but at least we were all happy that Jeff was with us at the time, all awake and eating soup, and my Jus got to eat cake
Let me talk about a little service the govt is giving us called HOSPICE. First off?I hate it. I love the way the country is helping my brother and we are lucky to have been born here and live here. They provide everything he needs to be comfortable; bed, chairs, poopers, pampers, oxygen, and lots of morphine. BUT they don't want to cure him, obviously it's a service provided to the terminally ill. They are here to supposedly give us "comfort" and "support" while my brother as they call it "transitions".
Now why do I hate them you wonder?.Well, my brother didn't eat the 2 days he was unconscious. They said they'll give us whatever we need. So I called and asked for an IV, I mean? they do that in hospitals when patients don't eat don't they? And they said "we can't do that". Then Jeff wakes up, he says "Im hungry" so my mom and I bought tons of soup and baby food, the Hospice people say "don't feed him, his body might reject it" I say "ok I wont" while Im thinking "you are full of shit". It's like they want him to die.
Every time the hospice people visit, I find my mom talking to them on the couch, with a tissue. They make her cry every time, so I wondered why, I tell my mom "go to the room, ill talk to the ladies" so they start talking to me.. "awe you must be Jenny" I say "yes" they say "so are you ok? How are taking this?" I say "Im fine" they say "must be hard, to lose an older brother" i say "i haven't lost him yet" she says "Have your parents made any arrangements?" I say "no" she goes "here's a list of mortuaries" I say "ok thanks" ...so every time they come give us "comfort"..they talk to my mom about "arrangements" and burial prize combo deals, like im gonna be all "hey mom look at combo 2, its casket PLUS burial PLUS funeral...no wait package 3 is better, cremation PLUS transport of the ashes" no wait....we get discount if we buy it for 3 or more family members...hell why don't we just ALL die to get a deal!...I mean WTF!! can't we just deal with it when the time comes? Or when we think its coming?
She asks "how's Kelly doing, we can send someone to talk to her and explain her the situation" I say "she knows her daddy is sick, and that's all she needs to know... I don't want some stranger to sit her down and tell her "hey ...ur dad is gonna die" we can handle it". I was mad then.
I go to the room and tell Jeff that he's getting better? he actually says "I feel better" I know I shouldn't get my hopes up I know?but im not gonna keep depressed just because im supposed to. Then the lovely hospice service says they're sending a priest.
Now you guys tell me?if you're sick and instead of seeing a doctor in your room you see a priest...won't that scare you a little?
They tell us don't feed him, make arrangements, depress his daughter and bring a priest.. I mean?a little more and they bring a coffin and tell Jeff to jump inside.
These people have to come here till Jeff leaves. So if he gets better, they are stuck with us for a while. But I can't believe how they are trying to hurry the process?one nurse (btw its always a different one) wanted to give him these pills to knock him out and I said "no! he wants to eat, I don't want him sleeping all day" she said "they are for pain and him shaking" and I said "he has no pain right now, and he can eat while shaking a little" she was all "oook? That's your decision" then Jeff was all "im hungry" lol. What the hell is their problem!.
Weds July 18th 2007:
I have a request to make to everyone. I was reading about my brother's kind of tumor. It has a 2 percent survival rate and people that get it last a max of 2 years. So far all the statistics are right, Jeff's had it a year and a half. I dont think a miracle is going to happen. I know some days he's better than others but the overall picture he is getting worse. From last week to this one its bad, he was able to at least use the wheelchair, now we can't move him off his bed because his body hurts.
I read online about this lady who got an agressive tumor also, she was a doctor so she knew what was coming, her name was elizabeth targ, i got this from the article:
"One night, 10 days after the surgery, Targ came down to the living room, where Comings was working. She sat in his lap and cried as she told him her fear: "Knowing where this tumor is located, there's a good chance I will end up with thalamic pain syndrome. It's the worst thing one can possibly get."
So i researched Thalamic pain syndrome.. all the symptoms my brother has had so far are leading to it. Im not a doctor so its not for sure... but it's possible he might get it, its the worst kind of pain and the worst death a person can have. Everything will hurt, with or without touching him, heat, cold, even music.
So this is my request. Please pray for him. Pray that if (and that's IF cuz we're gonna fight like ecuadorian indians dammit!) he doesnt get better, he at least has a peaceful death, I can't imagine the pain we'd have if we see him suffer any more. That lady Elizabeth, was actually studying the power of prayer...coincidentally she got one of the worst tumors out there (just like Jeff's) and maybe it was destiny to prove her research worked that she died peacefully while sleeping, well she grasped for air which is the nice way to go. All these people prayed for her and it worked. I think the doctor exagerated with the 3 months. I read his tumor doubles itself in size every 10 days. Im giving him the natural stuff and its helping, maybe not killing cancer but its made him a bit energetic and feel better. Like he's hungry and has no pain or anything. But i think time is gonna make things a bit harder soon. I really hope im wrong and a miracle happens.
Some good news... he saw transformers yesterday, my bf had a copy and Jeff was all "oh yeah!" and saying "wooow" throughout the movie. Also i got a promotion at work. Jeff smiled even though i think he had no idea what i was telling him, Im not gonna go to school while i have this job, maybe i wont ever have to go back. I'll be earning the same as if i would've already graduated. Im really exited about it. I sure needed some good news about anything, it was sent from heaven :). It's not toy design but its computer stuff which I like too. Im still gonna save up for when I get laid off (you never know) and go back to finish the 3 yrs i got left... anyways ...my mom just called to tell me Jeff ate a lot this morning. Thats good!
Here's a few pics of Jeff that some of you have never seen.
This is my mom cleaning his Picc line, the tubes in his veins where they put the chemo shit through.
Sunday July 22nd 2007:
Kelly telling Jeff to wake up, he sleeps alot lately.
July 24th 2007:
For those who'd like to know the facts about Jeff's tumor. He had a grade 3 or 4 anaplastic astrocytoma.
. Grows faster and more aggressively than grade II astrocytomas
. Tumor cells are not uniform in appearance
. Invades neighboring tissue
. Common among men and women in their 30s-50s
. More common in men than women
. Accounts for four percent of all brain tumors.
The peak incidence is in the fifth and sixth decades of life. Seizures and focal neurologic deficits are common presenting symptoms. Prognosis is poor with an average 2-year survival.
Astrocytoma is an infiltrating, primary brain tumor, with tentacles that may invade surrounding tissue. This provides a butterfly-like distribution pattern through the white matter of the cerebral hemispheres. The tumor may invade a membrane covering the brain (the dura), or spread via the spinal fluid through the ventricles of the brain.
These cells can undergo change within them, and mutate or "dedifferentiate" into a higher grade (grade III or IV) of astrocytoma, both of which are regarded as "incurable". grade III astrocytomas are also known as anaplastic astrocytomas (AA).
Jeff got his tumor jan 2006 so as they misdiagnosed his tumor about 3 times, I think they did it again, You see that table above, jeff's tumor is the third one. I think he has a grade 4 though?which is a Gioblastoma (GBM), he wont last 2-3 years and the doctor said it is very aggressive. Its been 18 months and by the way he is now, I say about a few weeks left. It doesn't really matter now if it's a grade 3 or 4?either one isn't curable?so tumors are all bullshit and I hate them.
Here's a pic of the tumor. i can't tell where it is. i dont know, it'd be nice if a doctor saw this and explained, I know its white, I think the whitish area that looks like fog. This is in March.
This is in July
I cut Jeff's fingernails..his hands were so pale, they were yellowish, and cold and limb, no movement, I didnt like that feeling, they felt dead. Like paper, no sweat, well his hands were never the sweaty kind but you know what i mean. He's still alive but he has no life, and it felt that way. C'mon Miracle..happen already
Friday July 27th 2007:
My friend Heath came to sing to Jeff 2 days ago. He really liked it, he was smiling and trying to clap and he said "del putas" which means "fucking awesome" but today, its a different story.. Jeff lost his sight he was so scared and was mumbling "fuck fuck fuck" and moving his hand in front of his face. His eyes keep moving from the center to the left non stop, at first he said he saw it all moving and blurry and it was cuz his eyes were going nuts, but now he doesnt see at all. He's so scared. I grabbed his hand and he jumped and pushed me away on reflex, i told him its ok, its me and he's home, and he grabbed my hand, put it on his chest and smiled and then giggled, as if he was silly to push me away.
Heath sings for Jeff
I gave him morphine and he was kind of knocked out, he'd come and go. The kind of pain he has is that kind that he makes faces, holds his breath and then breathes finally when the pain is gone and he says "ayayay chucha" which in spanish is fucking ouch, its the kind of pain you don't scream but its so strong you get mute and stop breathing and get a stiff body. After the morphine kicked in Kelly walked in and I wanted to hear what she said so i recorded her.. she kept whispering "wake up daddy"
kelly trying to wake up jeff
Kelly praying for her daddy
Sunday July 29th 2007:
Jeff's eyes kinda came back, I think he sees super blurry. I asked him if anything hurt and he said no, and i said "you just feel like shit huh" and he says "yes! chucha!" again chucha means the f word in spanish. I wanted to take a minute to say thanks to my bf for being here with me and helping me, Hes my shoulder to cry on..literally. Taking care of my brother like he was his own family, usually guys I date run away in times like these. Babe.. thank you. My family and I love you.
Thanks to everyone that comes to visit Jeff and cares for him.. he really notices it and appreaciates it, and so do we.
Friday August 3rd:
Jeff doesnt want to open his eyes anymore, they come and go, he opens them sometimes but one eye points up and the other down, i think it hurts, i think the tumor is causing it to deform like that, so he keeps them closed, he can't see. i made him laugh cuz i told him he can see like a cameleon now, 2 different spots at a time. He doesnt want to sit up so we cant feed him, i give him water with a lil dropper thing. He doesnt want to eat anymore. This morning he scared me, he was fighting something invisible, he was scared and moving his arm and legs up, like swimming or wrestling, he was shaking, then i grabbed his hand and he calmed down and said "susto" which means "scared" in spanish, i dont know what he saw or felt but he was fighthing it.
At night i told him "ok goodnight bro, im going to bed now, anything u wanna tell me or u want before i go?" and he said whispering "she's right here with me" and i almost shit my pants but asked "who" and mumbled a bunch of nothing, he couldn't say a name. Now that i remember also at the hospital he said the same thing about a lady being there standing next to his bed... we have no dead female relatives, just my godmother who was friends with the family...so i dont know. i know hes not hallucinating cuz its been the same hallucination since he was at the hospital. its just weird, hes got one foot on the other side already, he keeps stretching his arm as if wanting to grab someone's hand. (read the entry for saturday jan 28th 06)
Oh I had a nightmare july 31st, I dreamed my mom told me Jeff died, I couldnt stop crying, and for some reason The Daylights were there (this band) and I just realized I was gonna go see them play monday the 6th, I really hope that's not the date, All the numbers added (8/6/2007) make a 5 if added to a single digit.. and 5 is the number he called from when i got a weird call from Jeff unconcious, (read weds 25th 2006). I want it to be tuesday already so I know it was just a bad dream.
My dad telling Jeff to get better soon before he has a heart attack.
Monday Aug 6th 2007: :'(
I cannot believe the freaking nightmare was true.. my brother passed away this morning... at 10:10am. I knew it, i knew a week ago this was the day, i hated it knowing it, i hated seeing him go it was torture and ill never forget it. I was hoping it was just a bad bad feeling... dammit!!! He had trouble breathing, his eyes were dilated and moving from side to side, he was already brain dead. Didn't eat or drink anything in 3 days. He would breathe with a pause of 5 seconds in between, then 10 seconds, he had a 104 fever, then he was moaning and wheezing. He started breathing slower and slower and by 9am the whole family was here saying their goodbyes, a priest and a nurse. At 10am he started getting blue and really trying hard to breathe, like a fish out of water. My mom and dad started losing it... At 10:10 he had a loud sigh that freaked us out, he stopped breathing and his head went sideways. Someone in the room said "he's gone" and that's when all hell broke loose, my dad started screaming and saying "call 911" he started giving him CPR and my cousin grabbed him, he was crying and cursing, my mom was crying over his feet. All my cousins were crying a river and i was just in shock, my family must think im made of iron cuz i wasnt crying but i wasn't cuz i couldnt believe it, i was like in a comma. He turned cold and pale a few minutes after, really pale. I touched his nose and it was cold, i just touched it a few minutes ago and it was burning from the fever.. how quick death takes over the body.. i felt his soul leave whith that last sigh, i felt it
The mortuary people came at 3pm, they wrapped him in sheets like a mummy and put him on a stretcher. By then everyone was calmed down, but when they saw him wrapped up and those dudes tightening the belts on his stretcher thats when they all started crying again, i still didn't. I walked outside, watched the van leave.. and that's when it hit me.. my bed was empty, his shoes were under, i just hugged my boyfriend and cried a river, and I probably won't stop until the weekend. Jeff after he was cold and pale, somehow smiled. as u can see on the pic below. On the pic above with my dad he wasn't happy.. but today, he smiled. He left without pain, I think it hurt a little bit trying to breathe but no pain. After we all calmed down some i took the picture. My dad still hasn't stopped crying, he kinda fainted. I still can't believe it. We are cremating him on the 16th :'(
Goodbye bro, mi ñañito bello... i love you and I tried... I really tried i can't believe I failed you. It's been 19 months of hell...and you tried so hard, i remember you drinking all the nasty shit i bought because i told u it's to make you better.. im sorry it was a lie..and it didnt work, i remember you saying "shit" everytime something changed, you falling, loosing ur balance, then you went blind, and still after each "shit" you managed to say "oh well, its ok" and keep a smile. They say cancer patients suffer from depression, i can't say you ever had it, always so optimistic only so ur dreams get crushed by a fucking tumor. Im so sorry life dissappointed you like that....i love you and i will miss you like heck, I already do. I'll take care of Kelly and your stuff... watch over me ok? :'(
Thursday August 23rd 2007:
Friday the 17th we had my brother's ceremony. I guess a chapel for 70 people wasn't enough, it was full and there were lots of people outside. Jeff had more people love him than I imagined..that's not counting all his friends and family in Ecuador. The ceremony was nice, the priest gave a mass and then I showed on a projector to the wall this slideshow of his pictures with his friends, family and simply Jeff?while my friend Heath played a song to it. That will be forever Jeff's song like he said. After the ceremony we walked his ashes to his spot on the wall?I didn't feel he was in there, in the jar, I felt he was walking next to me. Im sure he was there and happy to see how many people cared. My dad wouldn't let go of the ashes, they say those orbs that appear in pictures are angels or spirits, I wonder if it was Jeffrey..or his angels.
March 22 1976-August 6 2007.
Died at 31 years old
RIP bro, see ya soon :'(